Chapter 3

I had heard of Lin Jinyue, the Lin family’s third young master.

People said he was extraordinarily gifted, the finest horseman and archer among the young men of the capital. The year before, he had gone to war with his grandfather, ridden alone into the enemy camp, and returned with an enemy commander’s head. His achievements were already remarkable.

Now he stood before me. His sword was still sheathed, but a killing chill was already closing in.

I knew what it was: the bloody edge earned in battle. He was a soldier who had truly shed blood.

Lin Jinyue’s eyes were cold as stars. “Please.”

I saluted him and drew my sword.

On a battlefield, there was no difference between a man and a woman. Only by holding fast to the sword in your hand could you protect the person in your heart.

On countless nights after my sister died, I had been in agony, loathing my own helplessness.

I could wield a sword, yet all I could do was put on long, trailing sleeves and dance prettily.

I hated the emperor enough to grind my teeth, yet every night I smiled sweetly and bent myself to his pleasure.

I had been plain-spoken and guileless, yet I learned to grovel and flatter, to hide a viper’s heart behind a saint’s words.

I planned countless ways to assassinate him. For that, I practiced my swordsmanship every night.

Weapons were forbidden in the palace, so I used a bamboo branch. I could send it cutting through the air and three inches into wood.

But however much I did, my sister would never come back.

The weight of it left me unable to breathe. Sometimes I wondered what I would do after I killed him.

I could think of nothing.

Even after I realized she had returned, I dared not tell her that I had too.

I was afraid she would ask how I had lived afterward, whether I had taken care of myself, why I had come back as she had.

I dared not look into her eyes. I dared not say I had burned to death, or tell her that Ah Ting had long since become someone she would not recognize.

Only one thing was clear to me. The emperor was a vicious fool, and his people suffered. Then we would put someone else on the throne.

My sister cared for the whole realm. She had compassion and the talent to govern it. Her essays on statecraft were better than anything those useless officials could write. The strategies she taught the Lin family had made them undefeated in battle.

Why couldn’t she be emperor?

I would be her hound and hawk, her keenest sword, her fiercest tiger.

Everything before me was an obstacle.

What I intended to do could permit no obstacles.

Cold light flashed as our weapons met. Lin Jinyue’s eyes widened. My borrowed wooden sword had already shorn a lock of hair beside his forehead.

Silence filled the courtyard.

I lowered my eyes. “Thank you for the lesson.”

No one had time to react. They could only stare at Lin Jinyue, utterly defeated, and at me as I lowered my sword.

Applause rang through the courtyard.

“Good! Good! Good!” General Lin clapped his hands, saying it three times. “From this day on, you are a common-born boy I happened to meet. I gave you some instruction because of your extraordinary natural strength, and now I am recommending you to the army. Your name is—”

“…Sijun.”

He looked at me. For a moment my thoughts drifted, and the name slipped out.

Madam’s name had been Lin Xijun. She had chosen both my sister’s name, Siqiong, and mine, Siting.

Sometimes she would sit by the window, desolate from head to toe.

“Think of Qiong, think of Ting, but not of Jun,” she would sigh to us. “If you ever have the chance, go and see the mountains and rivers. The world is vast. Go and see anything you find beautiful. Never hang your whole heart on one person.”

My sister and I were young. We only half understood.

But from that day on, I had a dim sense that someone lay buried in Madam’s heart.

Just as she, after her death, lay forever buried in ours.

Think of Qiong, think of Ting—and think of Jun, too.

At the name, General Lin froze. Then his lips began to tremble. This towering man actually had tears in his eyes.

He turned his face away to hide them. “The air in this capital is so sweet it stings my eyes.”

No one in the Lin family called him on it. The elders’ eyes had all reddened, especially Lin Shao’s. His fists clenched tightly, then slowly fell slack.

He was the brother Madam had called her fiercest protector, the youngest uncle my sister said loved her most.

I had heard that Madam’s marriage was ordered by the emperor. An imperial decree could not be defied. The woman general who had ridden across battlefields became a wife confined to the inner rooms. Even with all their military honors, the Lin family could not rescue her from that mire. They could only watch her wither.

I bowed. “Sijun reports for duty, General.”

“If you mean to save someone, make something of yourself.” General Lin patted my shoulder, his voice barely audible.

I knew what he meant.

He had failed to save Lin Xijun, so he hoped I could save Meng Siqiong.

I raised my eyes, my gaze calm.

Loyalty ran through the Lin family’s bones. That was why they could be discarded when their usefulness was over, left helpless at another’s mercy.

But I had long wanted to kill my sovereign and my father. I truly was disloyal, unfilial, inhumane, and unrighteous.

Was I mad?

Perhaps I had been mad for a long time.