Chapter 5

Chapter 5

He said, “A knife.”

I said, “Sir, knives did not only come into existence today.”

He looked at me for a long while, then closed one of the written testimonies on the table.

“You will stay at the official post station for now. Until the case is fully tried, you are not permitted to return to the Lin Family.”

I bowed.

“Thank you, sir.”

The official post station was on the back street behind the prefectural yamen. The room was narrow, and its window faced an old locust tree. Inside, there was only one bed, one table, and one oil lamp.

At dusk, Mother came.

She did not come alone. Qiu Xing followed behind her, carrying a cloak in her arms.

Blue-gray, trimmed with silver fox fur, the stitching fine and dense.

Mother stood in the doorway and did not enter at once, only glanced around the room.

There was only one bed, one table, and a brazier that had not yet been lit. She frowned, as though I had merely moved into an unsuitable guest room for a few days, rather than just hauled my father and elder brother into court.

“How can anyone live in a place like this?” she said softly.

I sat by the table, holding a bowl of hot water in my hands.

“It’s livable.”

Qiu Xing set the cloak on the bed and quickly withdrew. Before leaving, she glanced at me, her eyes rimmed red.

Mother walked in. She first touched the thin quilt on the bed, then the cloak.

“It’s cold at night. You’ve always been afraid of the cold since you were little.”

I said nothing.

She took a small porcelain bottle from her sleeve and set it on the table.

“This is medicine to improve circulation. If they use torture on you in prison, apply this first. Don’t wait until the wounds swell.”

The bottle was very small, white-glazed, with a loop of red thread wound around it.

I looked at it for a long time before finally raising my head to look at her.

Mother seemed to realize only then what she had said. Her fingers stiffened on the mouth of the bottle, and tears fell.

“That isn’t what I meant.”

I set down the bowl.

“Then what did you mean?”

She parted her lips, but no answer came.

After a while, she sat down across from me and reached out to take my hand. I did not pull away. She held it, found it cold, and wrapped it in both of hers.

“Your father is confused, and your brother is confused too,” she said, choking on her words. “But they don’t want you dead. They just… they just had no other choice.”

When she said “no other choice,” her voice dropped.

I asked, “Did Mother know last night that the confession bore my name?”

Her hands went rigid.

Outside the window, the locust leaves rustled in the wind.

After a long time, she said, “I tried to persuade your father.”

“How?”

She lowered her head, and tears fell onto the back of my hand.

“I said your health is poor and prison is a hard place. I asked whether they could change it to a lighter charge, so you wouldn’t have to suffer too much.”

I looked at her.

She cried even harder.

“Qingcai, Mother had no choice. If your brother is ruined, then the Lin Family is finished. You are a daughter. In the future… in the future, there will still be a road left for you. Mother will wait for you to come out. Mother will support you for the rest of your life.”

I withdrew my hand.

Her palms were suddenly empty, and she stared at me blankly.

I pushed the little porcelain bottle back to her, then picked up the cloak, folded it neatly, and placed it in her arms.

“Please take it back, Mother.”

“Qingcai…”

“Take the medicine too.”

I looked at the cloak in her arms.

“If I truly end up in prison, whether I’m cold or in pain is not something that should only be thought about today.”

Mother held the cloak as if she were holding a block of ice.

Her lips moved, and at last she said, “Are you really going to send your father and brother to prison?”

I did not answer.

She said again, “Your brother is already like this. You can’t truly mean to watch him die.”

I asked her, “What about me?”

Mother froze.

My voice was quiet.

“If I confessed three days from now and went to prison, what then after I came out?”

Her lips moved.

“Mother will bring you home.”

“Where would I live after coming back?”

It was as if she had never thought about that question.

So I thought it through for her.

“In the back courtyard? Never seeing guests? After Brother enters officialdom, will the family tell outsiders I fell ill, or that I went to a convent for quiet cultivation?”

Mother’s face went pale.

“Qingcai, don’t speak like that.”

I looked at her.

“Then what had Mother originally planned to say?”

She did not answer.

After a long while, she finally said in a low voice, “If a woman’s reputation is ruined, things do become harder. But if the family keeps the doors shut and lives its life quietly, there will still be a way.”

I nodded.

So they had already planned out even the life I would have after coming out.

Keep the doors shut.

See no one.

Wait for the storm to pass.

Those words were even lighter than what she had said last night.

So light they were almost like a plea.

Many years ago, my elder brother had a fever.

Mother stayed by his side all night.

The next day, I fell ill too. She touched my forehead and said, “Endure it a little longer. Once your brother’s fever breaks, Mother will come see you.”

At the time, I really did endure it.

I endured until midnight, burning so badly I was rambling nonsense, and it was Mama He who came to change the cloth on my forehead.

It wasn’t that Mother never came.

She just always had something more important.

I rose and opened the door.

It was already dark outside.

Qiu Xing stood beneath the corridor, her eyes red-rimmed.

Mother still held the cloak and did not move.

“Qingcai,” she said softly, “don’t stop wanting your mother.”

I held onto the doorframe.

My fingertips dug into the wood grain, and it hurt a little.

“Mother should go back.”

She looked at me for a long time before finally rising slowly.

When she reached the doorway, she turned back, as if she still wanted to say something.

I lowered my head and wiped away a little mud stuck to the threshold.

She said nothing more.

That night, I did not sleep.

The quilt at the official post station was thin, and in the middle of the night it really was a little cold. I sat at the table and reread the copy of the testimony Cui Yanxing had sent over.