Chapter 3

A gentle light shone in my sister’s eyes. Dad put down his bowl and chopsticks, and his smile returned. “Of course you’ll enter. Why wouldn’t you? Worst case, I’ll pick Huahua up from school myself. Qianqian should compete.”

Compared with Mom, Dad paid more attention to me. Even so, I was afraid of him.

When he was kind to me, those scattered fragments of fear never entirely went away.

That night, my sister wanted to share my bed. We lay shoulder to shoulder, neither of us asleep.

Suddenly, she sighed. “I’m so jealous that you get to have gym class and enter competitions. I’m practically useless. They won’t let me do anything.”

I turned to look at her but did not say that I envied her, too.

I envied the attention and care she received.

But I could not say such a thing. She was ill. If I still clung resentfully to all the love she received, would that not make me impossibly unreasonable?

“But you’re amazing, Sis. I wish I were half as good at school as you are.”

“Mm, I am amazing.” She rolled over and studied me in the darkness. “So, Qianqian, if there’s something you want to do, go and do it. I won’t become a burden to you.”

Something seemed to strike my heart, leaving it aching and tender. I contradicted her without thinking. “You’re not a burden.”

My sister was brilliant. She always ranked near the top and patiently taught me how to solve problems. She was no burden.

Under the blanket, I felt around until I found her hand. “I love you more than anyone, Sis.”

Dad and Mom paid more attention to my sister, but she never forgot to include me. I was supposed to protect her, yet when boys in elementary school called me her Little Tagalong, she was the one who stood in front of me and refused to yield. I had tugged at her and said, “Don’t be angry. Let’s ignore them.”

My sister threw the book in her hand at them. “She’s my little sister, not my tagalong. If you make up another nickname for her, I’ll tell the teacher you’re trying to trigger one of my attacks.”

My sister had always protected me, too.

My English teacher began coaching me. The first thing she taught me had nothing to do with English. She made me stand with my back to the wall and swept my bangs away from my face.

“Presentation counts in a speech. You can’t shrink into yourself. Walk with your head up and your shoulders back from now on. Understand?”

When I came out of the office holding the materials she had given me, I saw someone standing by the wall. He had been gazing at the athletic field. When he turned back, our eyes met.

Sheng Lang straightened and walked toward me. “I’m on cleaning duty this week. Let’s go home together.”

I followed him, staring at his heels while my mind worked slowly.

“Didn’t the teacher tell you not to lower your head?”

I did not know when he had turned around. He stopped abruptly in front of me and startled me.

As I looked at him, I instinctively wanted to drop my gaze again. Sheng Lang suddenly raised a hand and tapped my head. “Why are you so much like a little snail? The moment anything happens, you retreat into your shell.”

I replied, “A snail carries its home on its back. It can go home whenever it wants. Isn’t that wonderful?”

He clasped both hands behind his head and turned to walk on. “I won’t say whether being a snail is good or bad, but if you keep looking down, you’ll definitely lose to me.”

I stood where I was for a moment, then hurried after him.

I had not thought about winning or losing. I had simply hidden for so long, and now people had suddenly found me. They had expectations of me, and I did not want to disappoint them.

Sheng Lang glanced at me several times. “Why do I get the feeling you’re suddenly happy?”

I did not tell him that their presence made me feel warm all over.

During those two weeks of coaching, every spare moment was filled with English. Yet I no longer hated it.

Two days before the competition, my teacher told me to trim my bangs so my hair would not cover my eyes. At home, I stood before the mirror with a pair of scissors and cut them one snip at a time.

Loose strands fell away. When I combed my bangs back into place, they could no longer hide my eyes.

Lowering my head would no longer give me cover. My heart beat quickly; I was not used to the open brightness before me.

I left my room and went to the kitchen to ask Mom whether she needed help. With her back to me as she cooked, she said, “Go do your homework and practice. I don’t need any help.”

I touched my bangs. Then I heard the front door open. Dad had come home from work and announced that he had bought fresh river shrimp at the market. I trotted over to take them. Dad ruffled my hair. “Qian…”

A sudden clatter came from the bedroom. I froze. Without even finishing changing his shoes, Dad rushed into my sister’s room.

She was sitting in a chair, clutching her chest, her face deathly pale as she gasped for breath.

The sound of the ambulance alerted the entire building. Dad and Mom anxiously hurried her into it. I tried to follow, but I was too small to keep up and was swallowed by the crowd. By the time I made it downstairs, the ambulance was already gone.

Sheng Zhou caught my arm. “Did your sister have an attack? Why did it happen so suddenly?”

Sheng Lang shoved him away. “Why are you being so harsh? How would she know?”

I shook my head, lips pressed tight, unable to wipe my tears away fast enough.

Sheng Zhou softened his tone and apologized. I only kept shaking my head. Then I ran home and waited beside the phone.

I had not closed the door. Sheng Lang came in and stood beside me. “Shen Hua will be fine. Don’t worry too much. Didn’t she say she was going to watch your competition?”

Tears kept splashing onto the phone screen. My face was reflected in the black glass.

How could I not worry? I was always worried. I lived in terror that one day I would no longer have a sister.

The living room light stayed on all night. Sheng Lang sat beside me until morning.

I was drifting in and out when the phone rang. I answered the instant I heard it and asked tensely, “How is she?”

Dad’s voice was exhausted. “She’s all right. Your sister is all right. Your mother and I can’t come home. Can you manage your meals and get to school by yourself?”

I nodded furiously, then realized belatedly that he could not see me and answered aloud.

The moment I hung up, all my strength left me. It felt as though a mountain had collapsed onto my body. I leaned against the sofa, and a few more tears welled from my already dry eyes.

Sheng Lang said, “Why don’t you take the day off, too?”

“I don’t need to.”

My voice came out dry and hoarse. I packed my schoolbag, but as soon as I left my room, Sheng Lang pulled me into his house. Aunt Zhou had made breakfast for me as well.

I was distracted all day. After school, I did not go home. Sheng Zhou and Sheng Lang came with me to the hospital.

My sister lay in bed wearing an oxygen mask.

She was awake. She spotted me at once and beckoned. I went to her bedside and asked, “Does it still hurt, Sis?”

Her eyes curved. Her lips moved, mist blooming across the oxygen mask.

Suddenly, she raised a hand and touched my bangs, then the brows they now revealed.

It was as if a dam broke inside me. I began to cry again.

My sister was the one who was ill, yet I always cried more than she did.

Dad and Mom asked Sheng Zhou to look after me. He said he already thought of me as a younger sister and would certainly take good care of me.

I followed them home in a daze. On the way, Sheng Zhou touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?”

“We have medicine at home.”

We kept all sorts of medicine in the house. I ate dinner at Sheng Lang’s, then went home. He brought his schoolbag over, did homework beside me, and nagged me until I took medicine and went to bed.

The medicine quickly made me sleepy. I slept deeply that night, though my dreams shifted constantly between my sister, my parents, and tomorrow’s competition.

I woke before my alarm the next morning. I changed into the clothes Mom had specially prepared for the competition. The teacher had said the whole event would be recorded so our parents could watch later. Right now, mine probably had no interest in watching me compete.

Sheng Lang was waiting outside my door. He reminded me to take my medicine and bring an umbrella. He was rather fussy.

I teased him. “You pay more attention to these things than my mom does.”

His face reddened, and his voice grew quieter. “Weren’t you the one who asked me to keep talking to you?”

I nodded. “Mm. I like listening to you.”

I thanked him. The flush spread down his neck, all the way to his fingertips.

Rain fell outside, and the weather was turning colder. I felt underdressed. Wind rushed beneath my clothes, and my throat began to itch.

Fortunately, the competition was in the morning, and I could still suppress my slight cough.

Facing the teachers and students, I delivered the speech I had practiced countless times. The moment I bowed, my whole body felt light, but my head felt unbearably heavy—so heavy I nearly pitched forward.

I could not wait for the results or watch Sheng Lang’s speech. My teacher took me to the infirmary. After checking my temperature, the nurse said, “I’ll write you a note. Call your parents and have them take you to the hospital.”

The nurse had already handed me the phone. I raised my hand but hesitated. Someone else took it first.

Sheng Zhou lowered his head and quickly dialed. “I’ll ask my mom to come.”

My heart tightened. “There’s no need to trouble her. I can go to the hospital by myself.”

He lifted the phone out of my reach and gave me a look. “You need someone to care for you right now. Stop trying to act tough.”

I led him to my classroom. He waited outside while I gathered my things, then took my schoolbag from me the moment I emerged.

We walked silently to the school gate. Then he said, “If you called your parents, they would come, too.”

“You’re still young. You don’t have to be so grown-up.” A weight settled briefly on my head as Sheng Zhou patted it. “Don’t overthink things.”

For a moment, I could not speak. I did not know what to say.

Aunt Zhou took me to a hospital near the school. She bustled about arranging an IV, brought me water, and even covered me with a blanket.

I thanked her and leaned back in the chair. My mind was foggy. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep, but the fatigue was so intense that it kept me awake. I simply felt miserable all over.

Through the haze, I thought I heard Mom’s voice. She was talking to Aunt Zhou. After a little while, Aunt Zhou left, and Mom sat in the chair beside me.

I opened my eyes and confirmed that she was really there. “Mom?”

Mom nodded. Her clothes were half soaked. She asked if I was thirsty.

I shook my head. She sighed. “Why can neither of you give me any peace of mind? Between the two of you, there’s always something.”

An apology had already risen to my lips when Mom continued, “You need to learn to take care of yourself. I can’t watch you every minute. You’ve always been such a good girl. Don’t give me more to worry about.”

I said quietly, “I understand.”

When the IV was finished, Mom took me home, tucked me into bed, and said, “Sleep for a while. I’ll wake you later to eat and take your medicine.”

The IV had cleared my head, and I could no longer sleep. I stared blankly at the ceiling, my mind empty.

Only when Mom pushed the door open, switched on the light, and called me to dinner did I realize how much time had passed.

Mom and I were alone at the table. Halfway through the meal, she hurriedly stood and began packing food. “I’m taking dinner to your father and sister. Your father will be home tomorrow. Don’t be scared by yourself, all right?”

Mom left. I did not finish eating. I put the leftovers in the refrigerator, turned off the light, returned to bed, and spoke aloud to myself.

“I’d better not get sick again.”

It caused too much trouble.