Chapter 3
Freshly returned to the capital, Xie Qingheng was very busy.
He attended banquets every day.
Only around midnight, when I hovered between sleep and waking,
would he push open my door, trailing the smell of wine.
I did not want to face him, so even when I woke, I pretended to be asleep.
He would sit beside my bed for a long while,
stroking my hair and idly twining it around his fingers.
In the end, he would sigh and leave again.
If I meant to go, I ought to draw a clean line between us.
Neither of us had any dignity left. Why should I twist myself into pleasing him?
The Old Madam of the Xie family proved true to her word.
On the third day, Tanxi brought me the banknotes and identity papers as promised.
She led me out through the back gate and told me to leave at once.
After thanking her, I put on a veiled hat and went first to buy a swift horse.
There were still two hours before the city gates closed.
Once I had bought the horse, I deposited the banknotes at a money house.
Then I went to a clothing shop and bought a man’s outfit.
On the road, passing as a man was always more useful than living as a woman.
I had forty taels in loose silver left.
With it, I bought provisions and a dagger.
It was almost time.
Leading my horse, I walked all the way to the southern gate and left the city without trouble.
As the sky gradually darkened, I swung into the saddle and headed due south.
I had planned it long ago.
I would go to Duocheng in Qizhou, where I had heard the customs were more liberal.
If I did not wish to marry, I could even become a self-combed woman and live unmarried.
Hooves clattered through the night,
carrying me toward the promise of a new life.
The faster we ran, the hotter the blood surged through my body.
Never again would I live at another’s mercy, watching every change in their expression.
Never again would I lack clothes to cover myself or food to fill my stomach.
I might not have acted without calculation, but I had earned all of this.
There was still some distance to the relay station.
The horse was growing tired.
I dismounted and tied it to a tree.
As it lowered its head to graze, I leaned against the trunk and took provisions from my bundle.
After resting for a while, I resumed my journey.
By the time I reached the relay station, it was already midnight.
The jolting ride had left me unexpectedly weary.
The moment my head touched the pillow, I fell into an exhausted sleep.
In my dream, flames towered into the sky.
Mother stood in the fire, shoving me away and screaming at me to run.
I fled the blaze and looked back.
The house behind me had become a ruin.
Only the choking reek of smoke clung all around me.
I could scarcely breathe. Desperately, I tried to cry out,
but no sound emerged.
Dream and reality bled together. Amid the clamor, someone shouted in panic,
“Fire! Fire!”
Behind me, an arm swept around my waist and lifted me bodily from the bed.
The man’s voice was cold, like ice steeped in poison.
“Ah Fu, you have been very disobedient.”
When I woke again, I was back at the Xie estate.
Xie Qingheng had brought me back.
The moment I opened my eyes, I saw his face dark as iron.
“Why did you leave?”
I did not want to speak.
He demanded again, “Why did you leave?”
“Merely because I broke my word and did not take you as my principal wife?”
He spoke as though it were perfectly natural.
As though breaking his word were nothing at all.
I wanted to tell him,
Yes.
I was leaving because you betrayed your promise.
I, Li Furong, will never be anyone’s plaything in this life.
But I could not say it.
When one lived beneath another’s eaves, one had no choice but to bow one’s head.
He took my silence for agreement.
He said, “You never thought of leaving during our three years in Lingnan. Why must you leave now that we are in the capital?”
“Do you know that if I had arrived even a moment later, you would already have been trapped in the flames?”
As he spoke, he removed his outer robe.
“Ah Fu, I admit that when I spoke of marrying you in Lingnan, I was too naive.”
“But you must believe me. In that moment, I truly wanted you as my wife.”
“Lady Xiang is nobly born. Once she enters this household, she will not make trouble for you. I will take you as an honored concubine and give you a life of comfort.”
From bedchamber maid to honored concubine.
What an immeasurable gift!
Sensing something wrong in him, I tried to sit up.
Only then did I realize that my entire body was weak and limp.
“Xie Qingheng, what have you done to me?”
As if he had not heard, he continued until he wore nothing but his inner robe.
“My grandmother and I have depended on each other all our lives. She has always been strict with me, always demanding that I bring glory to our ancestors.”
“My marriage to Lady Xiang is nothing but a bargain for mutual advantage, another step upward.”
“In this world, you may be the only person who has ever truly cared for me.”
Xie Qingheng moved gently, lifting the quilt with care.
“So, Ah Fu, you cannot leave me.”
“You will stay with me for the rest of your life. Do you understand?”
His hand was cold, like a slick snake sliding beneath my collar.
“No, Xie Qingheng.” My voice trembled.
At the sound, excitement flared in his eyes instead.
“Ah Fu, you are never allowed to leave me.”
He sealed my lips with his, pinned me beneath him, and deftly undid my buttons.
“Be good. Once the pain passes, it will feel pleasant.”
As he kissed me, he murmured on and on.
I could not make out the words.
All I felt were those clammy lips, like a fly crawling from my neck down to my belly.
Xie Qingheng.
I will never, ever forgive you.
……
He tormented me throughout the night.
When he was finally exhausted, he drew me into his arms again.
“I was too rash tonight. Shall I make it up to you with a wedding one day?”
I said with a sneer, “Does a bedchamber maid with neither name nor status deserve a wedding?”
He seemed oblivious to my mockery.
He lowered a gentle kiss into my hair.
“Of course.” He pointed to his heart. “This belongs to you alone.”
How bitterly absurd.
My three-year wager had not won me gold, silver, or freedom.
It had won me the one thing I least desired: a place as his bedchamber maid.
Mother, I fear I will end up just like you,
trapped for the rest of my life within these four square walls…