chapter 1

They lodged me in Furong House, a corner so remote that even ghosts did not visit. Why anyone had put me there was beyond me.

Two palace maids attended me personally, while a handful of eunuchs made solemn declarations about choosing one mistress to serve for life.

Bah. Was that even how the phrase was used?

Dinner was light, and by the time the young eunuch brought the food box, everything had gone cold. I suspected the Imperial Kitchens were trying to disgust me on purpose. The greens had been fried in lard, which had congealed across the whole plate.

I took one bite and threw up.

For several days, even sleeping gave me trouble. Palace rules were strict: one must never sleep with one’s backside facing the door.

Who had so little to do that they would inspect the angle of your bottom in the middle of the night?

I was wrong.

The Emperor really did have that little to do.

Had you heard of the poem A Farewell to Xin Jian at Furong Tower? Unable to sleep one night, His Majesty passed Furong House, remembered the poem, and decided to come in for a look.

There he found me sleeping facedown with my backside in the air, snoring so soundly that no amount of shaking could wake me to receive him.

For disrespect before the throne, he docked three months of my allowance and sent two matrons to teach me the rules.

I cried. This time, I truly understood my mistake.

A low-ranking mistress had less standing than a favored maid. Within days, I, Attendant Yun, had vanished into the crowd. My rank was so low that I did not even qualify to pay daily respects to the Empress.

It made sense. Would the Empress not feel sick with a whole crowd of her husband’s women standing in front of her?

The discipline matrons instructed me by the strictest palace standards. There were rules for eating and drinking soup, rules for passing wind and relieving oneself. I had transcended mortal suffering. I could now swallow a plate of lard-coated vegetable stalks without changing expression.

At night, I stayed awake copying Buddhist scriptures by lamplight. Matron Huang said it was to train my patience.

I drew the obvious lesson and asked, “Isn’t that a waste of candles and lamp oil?”

In a fit of anger, Matron Huang removed two of my candles.

After months in the palace, I had not seen the Emperor once, but I had acquired a mountain of debt. At first, Father sent silver generously and told me not to deprive myself. Two months later, he could no longer bear it. He said he had given me all his spending money and would be living on the northwest wind.

I wrote back: Could you not become a corrupt official?

After that, Father stopped answering, leaving me alone and wretched in the palace to live on husks and weeds.

On the first and fifteenth of each month, I followed the other unfavored concubines to pay respects to the Empress. The duck on her table made my mouth water.

Furong House stood in an isolated spot and took its name from the vast patch of hibiscus on the western hill. My rank did not permit me to wander freely, so I could only stroll nearby.

Dujuan and Dumei, my two maids, attended me. Both seemed carved from wood. They kept their eyes lowered and never spoke a word more than necessary.

One day, bored out of my mind, I walked along kicking pebbles. Then I saw an old matron who appeared to be hanging herself.

Terrified, I shook off my maids, sprinted over, and yanked her down. “Better a hard life than a good death! At your age, why would you do such a thing?”

I knocked the old woman flat. She gasped, groaning and unable to catch her breath.

Dujuan and Dumei went pale and dropped to their knees. “Greetings, Matron Sun!”

Matron Sun had entered the palace as part of the Empress Dowager’s dowry and later served as the Emperor’s wet nurse. With two such distinctions, her position was doubly exalted. The Emperor had appointed her a court lady, though most people still called her Matron.

Among the women in the palace, only three stood at the very top. After the Empress Dowager came Matron Sun; even the Empress had to yield her a step.

The old lady explained that she was only a servant and disliked having attendants follow her. When the Empress Dowager mentioned the hibiscus, Matron Sun had decided to pick a few blossoms herself.

Unfortunately, with her bent limbs and advanced age, she looked remarkably like someone about to hang herself from a southeastern branch.

She had not injured herself picking flowers. It was I who had covered her in bruises by tackling her.

People who heard the commotion helped Matron Sun into Furong House. My two discipline matrons frantically ordered the eunuchs to fetch an imperial physician.

Head bowed, I twisted the corner of my robe like a child who had done wrong. Matron Huang jabbed me hard, furious at my hopelessness.

Even the Empress Dowager was alarmed by Matron Sun’s injury. She sent several senior physicians and female doctors to examine her. Fortunately, though old, Matron Sun remained sturdy. Apart from a badly scraped elbow and bruising where her back had struck the wall, she was fine.

Smiling, she told them not to punish me. “Mistress Yun meant well. It is rare to find such a warmhearted person in the palace.”

Did you see that? This was a woman who had risen all the way to become the second most honored woman in the palace.

Though even the Emperor respected her, she addressed an insignificant Attendant like me as “Mistress” every time.

Furong House had rarely seen so many visitors. For once, the little courtyard bustled. The eunuch returning with my food box collided with the Emperor’s chief attendant, sending everything crashing to the ground.

His Majesty frowned at the puddles of animal fat but said nothing. The trembling food bearer was kicked sprawling by Little De, the eunuch who served at the Emperor’s side.

The Imperial Kitchens did not take low-ranking concubines seriously. Why would they respect our eunuchs?

When the Emperor arrived, everyone in Furong House fell to their knees. I hid among the men and women and made myself as inconspicuous as possible.

“Matron, you must never come to such a remote place again,” the Emperor said. “If you were hurt, Mother would never forgive it, and I would worry too. I shall have to assign a whole troop of attendants to follow you.”

He had struck precisely where it hurt. Matron Sun struggled to rise, only for the Emperor to press her back down. She dreaded having people wait on her and feared the court would gossip about an old palace maid putting on airs.

I had been in the palace nearly half a year, yet I barely knew what the Emperor looked like. After Matrons Huang and Zhang’s strict instruction, I dared not provoke him and lose another allowance.

While master and servant traded warm words, the Emperor turned, picked me out of the crowd with perfect accuracy, and crooked a finger. “Come here.”

I froze, afraid even to swallow. When I finally shuffled forward, something struck me full in the face.

I picked it up and discovered a pearl bracelet, one of the Emperor’s Buddhist treasures. Each pearl was as large as the tip of a thumb, lustrous and almost perfectly smooth. Ordinary families would never see such gems, yet His Majesty had casually thrown them at my face.

What if I had damaged the pearls?

Heart aching, I polished away imaginary dust with my sleeve and happily tucked the bracelet into my pocket.

Before the Emperor could speak, my little maneuver made him laugh in exasperation.

“You muddleheaded creature! You injure Matron Sun and still dare pocket my pearls? What a bold girl. You seemed clever when I chose you. How did you become so reckless?”

He came and went quickly. Perhaps my greedy fixation on pearls was too undignified for an imperial concubine. In any case, he ordered me moved from impoverished Furong House to Cloudfold Pavilion to await further judgment.

At least I kept my title.

Matron Sun remained cheerful, a round-faced, prosperous-looking old lady with an unforgettable dignity. How had I been blind enough to think she was hanging herself?

Ignoring Matron Huang’s desperate hints that I should cultivate affection with the Emperor, I gave wooden answers to His Majesty’s few questions, then scurried over to flatter Matron Sun instead.

“You have suffered because of my foolishness. Please lie down, Matron. You haven’t eaten at this hour, have you? Dujuan, have Chunxi fetch dinner. I shall serve Matron Sun myself!”

Matron Sun smiled, apparently approving that I had not rushed to claim credit before the Emperor. She gripped my wrist with surprising strength.

“Mistress Yun, softheartedness is the greatest taboo in the palace. You still have a long road ahead.”

I nodded eagerly at her guidance. I knew how difficult palace life was. The Empress ate rich duck and goose until she was tired of them, while I ate lard-fried greens every day. An egg counted as a feast.

For the sake of braised pork knuckle, I had to climb higher.

Instead of being punished for knocking Matron Sun down, I had escaped Furong House. That set off a new wave of palace gossip. When we paid respects on the first of the month, even the Empress praised me.

Whether she meant it or not, I heard praise and offered thanks.

My flattery was good enough that the Empress Dowager summoned me several times too.

“Matron Sun was right. She is a neat, pleasant girl.”

Her voice came from above my bowed head. I summoned every scrap of concentration, determined to make a good impression.

The Empress was the Emperor’s wife. How could she feel kindly toward a group of his concubines? The Empress Dowager was different. She was his mother, which made all of us her daughters-in-law.

Remembering my matrons’ instruction, I tried to arrange my smile into something shy yet dignified, modest yet self-possessed.

It was hard.

“Matron Sun tells me you have copied a great many Buddhist texts?”

The Empress Dowager loved scripture. Hearing that I shared her interest immediately caught her attention.

I was a reluctant convert who regarded scripture with grief and pain, but before her, I decided to pose as a fanatic. I discoursed grandly on every sutra I knew. Delighted, she called me unusually thoughtful.

Then, in her happiness, she kept me beside her as a professional scripture copyist.

Me: What?

The news that Attendant Yun had become the Empress Dowager’s new favorite spread at once. Some envied me; others mocked me. Favored concubines said I had taken an unconventional path and possessed a rare talent for fooling old women. Those even less favored than I resented that the Empress Dowager now knew my name. Could the Emperor’s favor be far behind?

I did not know how far away it was. I only knew life in the Empress Dowager’s palace was even harder.

No melons or fruit, because too much might upset one’s stomach. Nothing strong-smelling, because how could I speak before Her Majesty with breath reeking of chives?

I had dreamed of eating pork knuckle at every meal. Somehow, my life had become more miserable.

I was only sixteen. The Empress Dowager treated me like the young maids in her household and often called us over to chat. Once Matron Sun recovered, she resumed attending her mistress. The two old ladies spent each day in cheerful company. The atmosphere was lovely. If only the food had evolved along with it.

Rules in Shoukang Palace were stricter than anywhere else. Every maid and eunuch had to wear a proper smile. Even after being scolded, they must smile warmly and show heartfelt gratitude for their mistress’s instruction.

I had once imagined the Empress Dowager to be an amiable old lady. Then I watched her punish a servant who had made a mistake, and cold sweat covered me.

One mild sentence from Her Majesty sent the maid to scrub chamber pots in the Cold Palace. It was the worst duty there was. Girls assigned to it worked day and night until their fingers warped.

So many people lived in the palace, each producing a chamber pot every day. The number was enormous. No matter how long those girls scrubbed, the work never ended.

Sending someone to the Cold Palace latrines humiliated her without easily taking a life.

After all, the Empress Dowager was devoted to vegetarianism and the Buddha.

Where the Buddha lived, however, I could not say.