Chapter 5
On the road to Yangjin, I rode in one of the Li family’s gilded carriages, drawn by horses decked in jade, for the first time.
Li Yunxiu had always loved throwing money around to make business difficult for me. Back then, I thought I had some idea of his family’s wealth. Only when I enjoyed it myself did I realize how limited my imagination had been.
Still, I could no longer bring myself to call them heartless rich people.
Li Yunxiu sat opposite me, the corners of his mouth lifted. He seemed to be in an excellent mood.
I tried listening for his thoughts again but heard nothing.
“Li Yunxiu,” I called experimentally.
“What?” he replied impatiently.
The voice in my mind promptly returned: Why is she looking at me like that? Those eyes! She’s like an adorable kitten!
Suddenly I understood. I could only hear his thoughts when they concerned me.
Perhaps he had never expected that two people who usually fought at every meeting would find themselves sharing a carriage and discussing marriage.
Li Yunxiu grew belatedly awkward.
I did feel somewhat guilty. “At the betrothal banquet, I used you to get myself out of trouble. Aren’t you angry? Marriage is a serious matter, and you and I used to…”
Oh, bother. Bother, bother! I knew she’d bring up the past. If only I’d argued with her less, I heard him think.
Aloud, he said, “Merely my good deed for the day. Don’t flatter yourself.”
He maintained a proud, aloof air, his gold fan resting against his lips as he looked out the window with the suggestion of a smile.
Had I not heard his thoughts, I would have been fooled by that show of arrogance.
Appearances really were deceptive. Li Yunxiu might look haughty, but he was deeply kind at heart.
Xu Ling was the opposite.
He had strung me along to make me work for him.
He could not lower himself to quarrel red-faced over goods or money, so he had me do it.
After all, as he explained it, the Xu family was a rising noble house. Decades earlier, they had helped the current emperor win the struggle for the throne and earned the honor of supporting his ascent.
The Xi family, despite more than ten years of my father’s tireless efforts, remained a name no one in the capital remembered.
My birth was humble. I was insignificant to begin with, and a childhood of parental neglect had made me resilient. I had long since ceased to fear ridicule.
He praised me as a born merchant, while inwardly despising me as grasping and vulgar.
The absurd thing was that the Xu family had started with an excellent hand. His relatives, forever trying to guess the emperor’s wishes, had played it so badly that by Xu Ling’s generation he had to associate with someone like me.
If he had not made something of himself and earned repeated military honors,
and if the family had not voluntarily surrendered military authority before being stripped of it, in exchange for placing one of their women on the empress’s throne,
his relatives would have dragged him down until he was worse off than I was.
The memories saddened me. Across from me, Li Yunxiu panicked. “Don’t take what I just said seriously… Fine. I did go there for you. Xi Chixue, I’ve liked you for a long time. You’re wonderful in every way except your utterly dreadful taste in men.” Seeing that I remained downcast, he watched me and ventured cautiously, “You haven’t… changed your mind? You don’t want to go back to Xu Ling, do you?!”
Before he could erupt, I shook my head hard. “No. If I ever go back to him, may he die a horrible death.”
In truth, I was not sure I had ever loved Xu Ling all that much.
He had simply promised that I would one day be mistress of the Xu household.
Having known little family affection, I wanted a home so badly that I had agreed in a rush of feeling.
When I was small, my father had used the fortune accumulated through three generations of trade to buy himself an official post.
He took my mother to the capital and left me with my aunt in Yinzhou.
Five years passed. Only when trouble struck my aunt’s household did they remember me and hurriedly bring me back.
On the journey, I thought of all sorts of reasons they might have left me behind. I assumed my father had been too occupied with his new appointment to look after me.
But when I reached our home in the capital, I discovered my mother had already given me a younger sister.
She was only two years younger than I was, conceived soon after my mother arrived in the capital.
That was the truth. There had been no helplessness, no hardship. They had simply forgotten me.
Newly arrived, facing this harmonious little family, I did not know where I belonged. I was inevitably restrained, my manner with my parents stiff, nothing like my sister’s bright confidence.
So my parents accused me of resenting them and deliberately refusing to grow close.
My mother often said I was cold and loveless, a child whose stone heart could never be warmed.
In time, I understood. They felt guilty about favoring my sister and were making excuses for themselves.
When they discovered that I would not argue, they began laying every fault at my door without restraint and openly indulging my sister.
From then on, Xu Ling became the only person in the world who showed me care.
He valued me, thought me capable, and particularly admired the business skills I had learned at my aunt’s side.
Xu Ling did have ideas of his own.
He had ambition, ability, and foresight.
He knew that beneath a century of apparent stability, the Yun dynasty was rotten inside.
In a world like this, military merit was less dependable than silver.
But taking profits from the great families entrenched in the capital for hundreds of years was a fool’s dream,
so he had simply turned his attention beyond the capital.
When we grew a little older, he asked for my help.
He said the shops’ profits would become the betrothal gifts he would bring when he asked to marry me.
I believed him and worked diligently on his behalf. Before he went to war, I handed all the account books back and obediently stayed home embroidering, waiting for him to marry me.
Instead, he secretly took up with my sister and ground my dignity into the mud.
What was laughable was that he seemed certain I had nowhere better to go.
Even if his affection was gone, I had labored for him with all my heart. I could not understand why he had to torment me like this.
When I could not make sense of it, I stopped trying. In the end, he and Xi Ruyan were simply two vile people determined to disgust me.
“Hey. I want to discuss something with you.” Apparently unable to bear the carriage’s oppressive silence, Li Yunxiu spoke with some awkwardness.
“Well, once we reach Yangjin, you can’t talk to me in public the way you used to. Whatever happens, you ought to leave me a little dignity.”
When I turned and stared at him, he went rigid. His voice rose without his noticing. “I’m not saying there was anything wrong with how you were before! It’s just—Yangjin is full of my relatives. If they see you snapping at me the way you used to, how am I supposed to show my face?”
Fair enough. In the past, every meeting had been an exchange of barbs and sarcasm. For all his swagger, he was no match for my sharp tongue. He had almost never won an argument with me.
I had truly never imagined that one day he would be so nervous merely speaking to me that he almost stammered. It was such a novelty that I could not help watching him.
“Hey. I’m trying to have a sincere discussion. What do you mean by staring without saying anything?”
I discovered that Li Yunxiu was very easily teased. I had only looked at him a little longer, and his jade-fair face was reddening again. The fan creaked in his grip.
Just as he was about to bristle, I answered sweetly, “I understand, my darling Yun.”
“All right, I know you can’t hold your temper in, but it isn’t necessarily a problem, as long as you—wait! What did you just call me?!” He had been carrying on with the answer he expected. Then understanding struck, and he turned to me with wide eyes.
Those eyes caught a pale-gold light, round and slightly tilted at the corners, just like a cat’s.
I could not resist teasing him again. “My darling Yun. Is there something wrong with that? Darling Yun, darling Yun—why is your face red enough to bleed?”
As I spoke, I meant to listen to his thoughts some more.
But I lowered my head and listened for a long time, and heard nothing at all.
Looking up again, I found that Li Yunxiu had fainted at some point, his head resting against a gold-embroidered cushion.
“Young master? Young Master Li?” I leaned over and poked him with one hand.
His long lashes trembled twice with the carriage’s motion. He did not respond.
…
Had he actually passed out from happiness?
I quietly resumed my seat opposite him, utterly amazed.