Chapter 2

Early the next morning, Xiao Ye shook me awake. “We must enter the palace and pay our respects.”

My heart quailed. I slathered my face with rouge.

The sight of me made His Majesty look physically pained.

“Third Brother, your wife’s approach to cosmetics is… strikingly original.”

“I did it.” Kneeling beside me, Xiao Ye said, “My wife was too weak to tend to herself this morning. The sun was already high, and I feared we would miss the appointed hour, so I did her makeup in haste.”

“You have suffered,” the Emperor said, then turned to console me. “Both last night and this morning, I imagine.”

Tsk.

Xiao Ye had taken the blame for me, but something about his story felt wrong.

The Emperor looked at me once, then again. His eyes suddenly narrowed. “Third Brother, why does your wife look so much like Qiao Yuling?”

I jolted. Because I am Qiao Yuling!

I visited the palace often. Of course the Emperor recognized me.

Xiao Ye remained perfectly calm. “Everyone says children take after their maternal aunt. These two are siblings. Naturally they resemble each other.”

“The longer I look, the stranger it seems…”

“Do you not have a wife of your own? Why must you steal glances at mine?” Xiao Ye pulled me into his arms, his face desolate.

“I never saw Father growing up. I was taken from Mother’s side when I was only a month old and brought to Imperial Brother. You are the Son of Heaven. Even if you chose to steal my newlywed wife, I would have nowhere to seek justice. I could only suffer in silence.”

“I only looked at her a few times. Is all this necessary? Fine. You and your princess consort can stay chained together forever—just don’t inflict yourselves on anyone else.”

Xiao Ye looked at me tenderly. “Thank Imperial Brother.”

“Thank you, Imperial Brother.” I pitched my voice high and bowed all the way to the floor.

The Emperor’s toes were probably curling inside his boots.

Xiao Ye asked, “Now that Little Qiao has changed how she addresses you, where is the customary gift?”

“Fine, fine. Gifts!”

Chests streamed into the hall, filled with the usual gold, silver, jewels, hairpins, and dresses. I was looking on with utter boredom when I spotted the enormous Vermilion Bow behind the Emperor. My eyes lit up.

“Imperial Brother, that bow of yours is excellent,” Xiao Ye said at once.

“Are you robbing me?”

Xiao Ye lowered his eyes. “I never saw Father growing up. I was taken from Mother’s side when I was only a month old—”

“Take it! Take it and get out! And do not come back to the palace this month!”

Xiao Ye took down the Imperial Vermilion Bow and shyly offered it to me.

“This was once the Son of Heaven’s own war bow. My wife looked at it twice, so I assumed she liked it and asked for it on her behalf.”

I wanted it so badly.

But I had not forgotten that I was currently supposed to be a woman.

In my most delicate falsetto, I said, “I-I am a refined lady of a noble house. Why would I enjoy such violent things?”

“Of course.” Xiao Ye sounded disappointed. “After all, the Imperial Vermilion Bow weighs fifty jin…”

“Holy shit, that’s incredible! Seriously?” I snatched it, drew the string, and took aim at a wild goose outside. The bowstring thrummed beneath my fingers. “This is extraordinary. I could shoot three hundred paces with it.”

A teasing smile tugged at Xiao Ye’s lips.

Oh no. I had broken character.

I scrambled for an excuse. “I come from a military family, so I learned martial arts as a child. My younger brother and I are evenly matched. I would be evenly matched with His Highness too.”

“So Little Qiao told you he and I were equals? He may have been boasting to you. He has never defeated me once in his life.”

You bastard!

Even if that was true, who had given him the nerve to say it to my sister’s face?

My smile did not reach my eyes. “Hee-hee. Is that so? We should spar sometime.”

“There is no time today. I still have official business to handle. Wait here for me.” Xiao Ye slipped an arm around my waist and, with perfect ease, kissed my cheek.

My face burst into flames. I stood frozen, touching the place his lips had brushed.

Good grief. He had kissed me through that much powder. Xiao Ye was truly ruthless.

Still dazed, I wandered into the imperial garden and heard a clear voice call, “So you are Prince Shu’s consort?”

I looked over. Wasn’t that Xiao Ye’s young princess cousin?

The little fool trailed after him every day. At a banquet not long ago, she had even insulted my sister in public and said she was unworthy of Xiao Ye. Bah.

I mimicked her tone. “So you are Prince Shu’s devoted little follower?”

She clearly wanted to tear my hair out, but one question escaped first. “Why are you so tall?”

“Because I have long legs. Jealous?”

“My cousin would never like a great hulking woman like you!”

“Who says? Your cousin loves stroking my long legs. Look.” I lifted my skirt and slapped my thigh twice with shameless flair.

She nearly exploded. “And your voice is so deep! You sound like some huge eunuch!”

“That’s because I screamed myself hoarse last night. Don’t tell me you don’t know what newlyweds do. The rites of Duke Zhou. Very vigorous rites.”

She stamped her foot. “Y-you’re vulgar!”

“Yes, yes, I’m terribly vulgar, and he still married me instead of the gentle, elegant you. Oh, you must be furious. Bleh!” I pulled a face at her.

The princess flushed scarlet. “Someone slap her twice and throw her into the pond!”

“Hey! Losing an argument, so now you want a fight? Don’t make me hit a woman.”

I had trained with the sword since childhood. In the entire capital, the only person I could not beat was that bastard Xiao Ye. Why would I fear a few old palace matrons?

Hands clasped behind my back, I slipped between them and sent them sprawling, then glided up to the little princess.

“How are you so good at fighting? W-what are you going to do?” Her bluster collapsed as tears welled in her eyes.

“Heh-heh. What am I going to do? Why, I’m going to…”

I reached for her golden hairpin, intending to steal it and pinch her round little cheeks while I was there. Such a fierce brat, when she was barely grown.

Then a familiar voice came from behind me. “Little Qiao, what are you doing?”

Every hair on my body stood on end. My hand froze mid-crime.

The princess raced over and clung to Xiao Ye’s arm.

“Cousin! Your wife bullied me!”

Xiao Ye’s gaze shifted. “What did Little Qiao do to you?”

“I only said she was too tall to be pretty, and she beat all my matrons!”

“Oh, so the little brat has two faces…” I folded my arms and leaned against a pillar to sulk.

Xiao Ye’s dark eyes settled on me. “How is Little Qiao not pretty?”

I blinked, then sprang upright in delight.

“Exactly! How am I not pretty? Xiao Ye, tell her who the most beautiful woman in the capital is!”

Xiao Ye inclined his head to me with courtly grace. “Why, my own Princess Consort Little Qiao, of course.”

“That’s right! Hear that?” I marched to his side, puffed out my chest, and looked down at her from my considerable height.

The little princess frowned at us. Of her own accord, she released Xiao Ye’s arm and retreated a step, wounded and wary, as though thinking, What is wrong with this married couple?

Still, she refused to give up. “Cousin, she did not only beat my matrons. She said the most obscene things to me!”

“Oh? How obscene?”

I was curious too. “Yes, how obscene? Tell us.”

The princess gritted her teeth and threw caution aside. “She said… she said you spent last night tumbling in the bridal chamber, lost in passion!”

I gasped. “I did not! I said no such thing! Don’t make things up!”

Xiao Ye looked equally shocked. Frowning, he caught my sleeve. “Such matters must not be discussed with outsiders.”

“What?”

He became solemn. “Of life’s great joys, the wedding night ranks first. Last night we performed the rites of Duke Zhou and knew neither heaven nor earth. I know your heart overflowed with joy, but it is enough for us to savor it behind closed doors. Why flaunt our bedroom affairs before my cousin? She is young and unmarried. You told her how delicious the meat is when she cannot have a single bite. Imagine how she must feel. Little Qiao, do not boast about our private pleasures again.”

“What? What? What?”

“Cousin, last night was your sister-in-law’s wedding night. A new bride tasting the pleasures of the clouds and rain for the first time can hardly contain herself. We nearly missed our palace audience this morning. She shared these intimate matters because she feels close to you and wanted you to partake in her happiness. Please do not take offense.”

The princess burst into tears. “You… you two… ah!”

She flung her handkerchief and fled weeping. Her cousin had run her over with a carriage of words, then backed over her face for good measure.

Once everyone had cleared out of the garden, I belatedly yanked my hand from Xiao Ye’s.

“Why did you say all that filth? You have ruined my innocence!”

Xiao Ye lowered his eyes and took a few steps away, leaving me only a bleak and lonely back.

“This morning, the entire capital was saying that I am a man banished to the study on his wedding night.”

“Surely it isn’t that bad. How did they even know I threw you out?”

He did not answer, only looked back at me in melancholy. “I merely wanted to recover a shred of masculine dignity.”

“Ah.” To my surprise, I sympathized. I sighed with him.

“Besides, my cousin has always harbored improper feelings for me. When she rushed over and seized my arm, I was deeply uneasy. I feared my wife might see us crossing the bounds of propriety and think me a wanton man.”

“True. I always thought you would marry her.” There had been nights when I laughed myself breathless at the thought of Xiao Ye ending up with such a shrewish wife.

“I am not that sort of man.” Xiao Ye stepped forward, took my hand, and spoke with absolute seriousness. “Now that I am married, I belong to my wife in life and in death. I will not let another lay a finger on me. I will take no secondary consort, no three wives or four concubines. I wish for one true heart, that we may grow old together and never part.”

He was so tender that I had no idea how to respond. “Oh… You’re actually a pretty good man.”

I wondered whether the scholar who had eloped with my sister possessed the same integrity.

“After today, my cousin will presumably stop pestering me.”

“Don’t worry. If she pesters you again, I’ll beat her up for you.”

“Just don’t damage the child.”

“Relax. I know my own strength.”

“Then I am reassured.” Xiao Ye smiled at me, gentle as spring returning to the earth. “What would you like for dinner? Shall I take you drinking at Phoenix Terrace tonight?”

“Yes! Let’s go!”