Chapter 2

In my last life, I had always felt sorry for Mother and doted on my younger siblings.

Whenever we ran out of money, I found a way. I was the one who ventured out in public to pawn our belongings.

That was how I met Master Su, during one of his occasional inspections of his pawnshop.

Taken with my looks and disposition, he wanted me as his concubine.

Mother had insisted through clenched teeth that no daughter of the Jiang family would become a concubine. If she let me do such a thing, she said, she would never be able to face Father after death.

But living cost money. My brother’s schooling cost money. Keeping up our social obligations cost money too.

All Mother did was weep before me, wiping her tears and asking, “What are we going to do? Whatever shall we do?”

I always said I would find a way.

What way could a girl in her teens possibly find?

My only asset was the body I stood in.

Eventually, in secret, I became Master Su’s woman—not even someone he acknowledged as a mistress.

At last, our finances improved.

I had been so furtive, so careful. Every time I left home, I said I was going out to wash clothes or embroider for a shop.

When I returned, I made sure my hands really were white from soaking, or my fingertips pricked raw.

I was terrified Mother would discover what I was doing, that it would hurt her, that she couldn’t bear it and would fall apart.

Now I wondered… could she truly not have known?

How could she not?

With this second chance, I looked around our home and at what we spent. Father had been dead all this time, yet Mother still kept an old servant and a hired man outside to do the heavy work.

Was this… really how someone frightened of poverty lived?

She was simply used to being waited on!

I had only just told the old woman not to come back.

Mother’s expression changed at once.

“But there are so many things to do, inside and out… How will we manage?”

“Mother, we’re not rich anymore. We’re poor, just like Old Chen. We can’t afford servants or pay wages. Naturally, everyone in the family must do the work. Everyone, not just me. You, my sister, and my brother too.”

Mother made a small, stunned sound.

I asked, “It’s late. It looks as though we’ll need an early start tomorrow. Was there anything else?”

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She left awkwardly. A moment later, I heard a bowl smash in the next room.

My sister was throwing another tantrum.

Still going on about the necklace Father had promised her.

Father had also promised to live to a hundred. He had promised to see us all married.

I closed my eyes, rolled over, and took the chance to rest.

Sure enough, in the second half of the night, my sister became “ill.”

She had always been like this. Whenever something displeased her, she fell sick, ran a fever, or had a stomachache.

The child who cried got the sweets.

Mother praised me for being sensible, for never giving her cause to worry.

She said my sister was different: disobedient, thoughtless. Yet that was precisely the child she favored.

Favored enough to poison me for her in the end.

I lay awake beneath the thin crescent moon outside the window. My eyes ached, as though Mother’s false tears from my last life were still stinging them.

Everyone had their own fate, their own life to live.

I was no Bixi, the stone turtle that bore a burden on its back. I couldn’t carry so many other people’s responsibilities and lives.

Knock, knock, knock.

Someone was at the door.

Mother hurried in, her face full of anxiety.

“Ah Miao, what are we to do? Ying says she’s burning all over. She feels dreadful.”

She looked utterly helpless, wiping away tears. “What are we going to do? I don’t know what to do. We have no money, and we still owe the apothecary for last time. What are we going to do, Ah Miao?”

In my last life, I had soothed her, then set my jaw and said I would borrow the money.

Then I had gone to Master Su.

I got the money easily and brought a physician home with me.

My sister took her medicine and fell into a peaceful sleep.

Mother relaxed and went to sleep too.

The physician left, satisfied with his fee.

Only I remained alone in my room, washing myself with icy well water. I wept as I tore up the marriage contract Father had left me.

Then, before dawn, I went alone to see Master Su.

Afterward, life did indeed become more comfortable.

Mother never asked whom I had borrowed from, or how much.

Now,

she watched me with eager eyes.

As though waiting for me to step forward.

I looked back at her.

After a while, I smiled.

“You’re getting muddled, Mother. We have no silver. If she’s hot, pour some cool water over her. That will bring her temperature down. Isn’t that how everyone manages?”

Mother faltered. “But… but… couldn’t we borrow a little?”

“Why don’t you borrow from Uncle?” I suggested.

She shook her head. “Your uncle’s struggling too. How could we ask him?”

“Father lent him plenty while he was alive. Surely it wouldn’t hurt him to pay a little back now.”

“Ah Miao!” Mother could actually get angry. “You’ve changed. How could you say such a thing?”