Chapter 1
This time, too, the flower fell to two women.
Its pink-and-white blossom landed on Shen Rushi’s pear-shaped vase.
Its green stem slipped into my Guanyin vase.
When the result of the selection lay before everyone,
the empress’s smile froze at the corners of her lips, just as it had in my last life.
My sister, Shen Rushi, was not only a bodhisattva reborn, but renowned for her virtue.
She had the people’s love and the crown prince’s favor.
She was the only choice for his principal consort.
The flower choosing two women was an accident no one had expected.
Faces changed all around us. Whispers spread.
I was about to rise and refuse when Mother pushed me back into my seat.
“Mind your manners. You are in the imperial court.”
In that brief interruption…
Shen Rushi knelt before the empress ahead of me, just as she had in my last life.
“A flower choosing two homes means a double blessing. To take a wife and a concubine together would surely be a joyous thing.”
“I have no wish to fight over worldly titles. For the sake of peace in the household, I would gladly yield the position of principal consort.”
She spoke of yielding while placing herself far above me.
With every word, she painted me as a grasping, quarrelsome woman who would bring discord into a home.
In the end, I was deemed unworthy of the position. Even entering the Eastern Palace as a lowly concubine was a favor.
She, meanwhile, won both the crown prince’s tenderness and a reputation for selfless restraint.
One noble young woman pressed a handkerchief to her lips and laughed softly.
“A bodhisattva reborn indeed. So serene, so free of worldly desires. She does not even care for the position of crown princess.”
“With such a nature and such generosity, how could His Highness not admire her? Even I cannot help it.”
Someone else chimed in.
“They may have come from the same mother’s womb, but the other has always grasped for fame and advantage. Three years away from the capital have done nothing to wear away her vulgarity. One is a cloud, the other mud. The difference is plain.”
Mother heard every ugly word.
She patted my hand gently, but her eyes held a cold warning.
“Do not embarrass your sister. Deceiving the throne is a crime that can wipe out an entire family.”
In my last life, I had spent three years with my mother’s family.
Neither of my parents loved me. My own sister had branded me greedy and quarrelsome and sent me out of the capital.
Naturally, my uncle’s family had not liked me either. I lived with such fearful caution that timidity and cowardice became second nature.
Mother’s warning drained the color from my face and silenced me completely.
But for that moment of silence, the crown prince hated me all my life.
Afterward, Shen Rushi’s meaningful hesitations aroused his suspicions.
He followed the clues and discovered that someone had tampered with the vases.
Then my sister said mildly, “All things are fated. Since she is my sister, I should not blame her.” That convinced him I had schemed against the two of them.
He hated me to the marrow.
Mother held my maid’s life in her hands. I was forced to bear my sister an imperial grandson as soon as possible, to secure her position.
I could only abase myself and do everything I could to please him.
When I catered to his tastes, the crown prince called me a groveling, lowborn seductress.
When I kept my distance, he accused me of putting on airs. How dare a creature who had schemed against her sister’s marriage pretend to be aloof?
Even after he burst into my courtyard drunk and bestowed his brutal “favor” on me,
he pointed at the bruises covering my body and accused me of feigning resistance, of sickening pretense. I could not compare to my sister’s dignity and grace.
Yet for all his disgust, he came to my courtyard again and again, humiliating me mercilessly in bed.
Whatever I did was wrong. Approaching him was wrong; retreating was wrong too.
Even on the day my pregnancy was confirmed, a single sigh from my sister was enough.
He sentenced me to kneel in the courtyard and repent for six hours.
Delight shone in my sister’s eyes, though her words urged mercy.
“She is with child. That, too, is a life. My compassion embraces all living beings. I do not mind one more child.”
The crown prince drew her tenderly into his arms to comfort her.
“You speak of heaven’s will in everything. You never fight, never grasp, never resent. Yet the more you do so, the more I feel I have wronged you.”
“Had you not damaged your health serving porridge in the cold when you were young, how could you have trouble conceiving? Had you not needed a child to rely on, why would I endure my disgust and deal with her?”
“The thought of my child coming from the womb of such a scheming, venomous woman sickens me. She was never worthy to bear an imperial heir. It is all for your sake.”
“If it is heaven’s will, let us see whether she has the fate to deliver my child.”
I knelt on the blue stone paving and heard every word.
The beasts carved beneath the eaves seemed to descend on me, savage and hideous, crushing my bones inch by inch.
Yet I was afraid even to weep, lest I disturb them.
Shen Rushi did not dare let me truly lose the child.
After I had knelt for two full hours, she sent me back to my courtyard.
From then on, I was confined there and made to drink pregnancy tonics every day.
My limbs grew thinner and thinner. My belly grew larger and larger.
The physician seemed to have something to say, but held his tongue.
I saw the pity in his eyes clearly.
The Eastern Palace intended to save the child at the mother’s expense, disposing of the unwanted me in the process.
I refused to sit and wait for death. On the crown prince’s birthday, I set my courtyard on fire.
I exposed my withered body and enormous belly for everyone to see.
A few servants paid with their lives to conceal the disgrace of Shen Rushi and the Eastern Palace.
The empress herself sent people to watch over my pregnancy.
After a day and a night of agony, I gave birth to the Eastern Palace’s eldest son.
But the moment he was born, he was carried to Shen Rushi’s courtyard.
The crown prince said I was unfit to raise a child.
Mother came to warn me too.
“Now that the Eastern Palace has an eldest son, it will soon appoint a secondary consort, take lesser consorts, and elevate concubines.”
“Your sister is a bodhisattva reborn. She must do only good, preserve her virtuous name, and become a mother to the realm.”
“For your child’s sake, you must do everything in your power to ease her troubles.”
“After all, it would hardly be difficult for the crown princess to find another child to raise.”
They held my child’s life over me and made me my sister’s knife.