Chapter 5

I thought I’d turn myself in once my child was a little older. I’d killed people, after all. I couldn’t spend my life ignoring my conscience.

I’d also tell my child his mother had had no choice back then, but he must grow up to be an honorable man.

My mother-in-law couldn’t manage delicate work like sewing on buttons. All she could do was sew sleeves.

To be honest, sewing sleeves was much easier than sewing buttons. But she was still exhausted after a day’s work.

She came home before six in the afternoon and collapsed on the sofa. One minute she wanted me to bring her water; the next she wanted me to massage her legs.

“Well, well,” I said. “Back from your nice break? Why do you look so tired?”

She rolled her eyes at me. She didn’t even have the energy to argue.

After Li Dazhuang got home, I heard her complaining to him.

“That wife of yours is outrageous. Lounging around at home all day and she can’t even make dinner. We work ourselves to death and come home to find there’s not so much as a hot meal!”

He dragged me out of bed. “Get up and cook! My mother’s worked all day. You expect her to do it?”

I said he’d never felt sorry for me when I came home from work and had to cook.

Before, looking after the baby had been backbreaking work for his mother, while going to work had been easy living for me.

How had it become the other way around?

Li Dazhuang glared. “That’s different! She’s my mother!”

At that moment, I suddenly saw my father in his face.

It sickened me so much my stomach turned.

Thinking back on his kindness and concern, it all seemed to amount to nothing now.

I was twenty-two, no longer the eighteen-year-old who’d just run away.

I thought I was beginning to understand. Back then, I’d had far too much hardship.

So when someone suddenly came along and gave me the tiniest, tiniest taste of sweetness, I’d been moved beyond words.

The truth was, I could afford malatang that cost over ten yuan. A six-yuan cup of milk tea was no problem for me either.

All at once, the glow around Li Dazhuang vanished.

He wasn’t some rare, wonderful man. He was just like my father and my brother.

Just like all the men in our village.

If there was any difference, it was probably that Li Dazhuang knew how to pretend a little.

But that little bit of pretending was exactly what made me feel he’d played me for a fool.

If he’d dared show his true colors earlier, we could have had it out. At least he wouldn’t have tricked me all the way into having a baby with him.

“She’s had the baby. What’s she going to do now? Son, stop indulging her!”

Li Dazhuang really listened to his mother. She said not to indulge me, so he didn’t.

He didn’t even care whether I ate.

He took my pay card and cash too.

Luckily, before getting married, I’d listened to my boss and changed the account my wages went into.

My boss had said it didn’t matter whether I understood. From then on, money could only come out of the old account, not go in. If even one fen went in, all the money in it would be gone.

I was terrified. What about interest?

She said interest didn’t count.

So if Li Dazhuang thought he could starve me into giving in, he could forget it.

I had money for takeout. While I was at it, I bought a stainless-steel wrench about a third of a meter long and put it under my pillow.

I knew myself, after all.

I had a quick temper, got angry easily, and didn’t think about the consequences. When rage took over, I really wanted to slash people with a knife.

But I had a child. His father might be a monster, but the child was innocent.

Several times, Li Dazhuang tried to come near me. Each time, I drove him back with the wrench.

The more I used it, the more I realized what a wonderful thing a wrench was. Perfectly reasonable to have, and so reassuring.

Keeping a kitchen knife under my pillow all the time clearly wouldn’t be very suitable.

Whenever I held the wrench, my excitement shot straight up. I wanted to howl.

But staying home all the time wasn’t a long-term solution.

After thinking it over for two days, I decided to go back to the factory.

I carried my baby on my back while I worked. When he fell asleep, I put him in a bamboo basket at my feet.

The rhythmic clacking of the factory machines seemed to help him sleep more soundly.

Li Dazhuang couldn’t beat me in a fight or get the better of me.

So he had an affair.