Comedy

The day I met my online boyfriend in person, I discovered he was mute.

The boy pressed his lips together, his face pale, nothing like the cheerful person he had been online.

[I’m sorry. I must have disappointed you…]

He handed me the note without daring to meet my eyes, while I stared blankly between his face and the floating comments in midair.

[I’m dying. The male lead set up his own brother and practically sold him out just to get revenge for the female lead.]

So the beautiful mute boy before me was the campus heartthrob’s younger twin brother. He had never been the one dating me online at all.

I curled my lips into a smile, utterly unconcerned that they had switched places.

A mute boyfriend was perfect.

He was adorable when I bullied him and he could not even get a sentence out.

[Were you satisfied with today?]

The message popped up on my phone just after I got home. After admiring the boy’s swollen lips and damp eyes one more time, I sent over our selfie.

[Very. But next time we kiss, baby, it would be even better if you didn’t tremble.]

It took a long while for the person on the other end to reply.

[I didn’t do well today. Let’s meet again tomorrow.]

My husband was a notorious invalid.

We had been married for three years, and he had never once touched me intimately.

Gentle and gracious, he would often drag his frail body to the couch to read and compose poetry.

Watching him look so fragile that he might die at any moment left me utterly exasperated.

I couldn’t help demanding of the system, “Seriously?

Look at him.

He’s practically at death’s door.

“And you’re telling me he’ll become a monster everyone wants dead?”

After landing in a world of beastfolk, I felt an itch and gave it a scratch.

And then—!

I froze, looked down, and lifted my shirt in disbelief.

A second later, I let out a shriek and practically crawled to the hospital.

“Doctor, help!

Something weird is growing on me!”

The doctor booked me in to have it removed.

But that night, I dreamed of a little octopus with tears streaming down its face.

It held up a tentacle with a piece missing and wailed, “That’s my arm!

It ran off to cuddle you.

It doesn’t want me anymore!”

Hang on.

Who taught it to cuddle like that?

Ten years after I became Xiaotian, the Celestial Hound, I finally took human form.

As a woman.

Yang Jian went silent.

All three of his eyes blinked for ages.

He still couldn’t work it out.

His best buddy was definitely male.

I am a Jiao who has failed the Zoujiao process several times. To leech off some immortal energy, I specifically sought out a Heartless Dao Sacred Body Snake Clan Husband.

In theory, every time he goes through a molting, he should forget a portion of his past.

By the ninth time, all his memories of the mortal world should vanish, leaving nothing but his Dao Heart.

But even after eight rounds of molting, he still remembers that he loves eating roujiamo!

The crispy kind! Just as I reached the end of my rope and was planning to slip him some poison… A danmaku drifted past. [Here it comes! The Villainess Supporting Character is finally going offline!]

My father is a black dragon.

My mother is a white dragon.

So my left half is black, and my right half is white.

In my spare time, I cover the left side of my face and cosplay as the White Wuchang, then cover the right side and cosplay as the Black Wuchang.

My parents will never have to worry about me finding a job again.

After I entered the horror game, my severe nearsightedness made everything blurry.

I treated the Blood-Dress Ghost Loli as my own daughter, cherished the Big Boss as my husband, and honored the Old Weirdness as my parents.

The first time we met, I grabbed the Big Boss’s abs and exclaimed:

“Great physique, but it’s a pity you’re a bit short.”

The Big Boss laughed angrily, reattached the severed head to his neck, and ground his teeth:

“I’m 1.86 meters tall. Take another look now?”

When the palace announced that I was being elevated to Noble Consort, everyone in my family looked grim.

Everyone understood the principle that great merit can threaten the throne.

My father’s achievements were already so great that there was nothing left to reward him with.

This rank of Noble Consort was a naked warning.

If I wanted to keep my whole family safe, I had to hand the emperor a weakness of mine-something he could hold over me and use to put his mind at ease.

Father, Mother, your daughter is off to be arrogant by imperial command!

Starting today, I’m going to be the most outrageously overbearing little menace in the harem!

After ten years of training for the wrong kind of ‘dance,’ the formidable Li Rourou must win an emperor’s favor or die.

Her strength, appetite, and spectacular misunderstandings turn every elegant harem scheme into chaos.

While the emperor plays rival clans against one another, Rourou blunders through assassination attempts, poisoned soup, princely feuds, and a brewing coup.

When imperial gratitude proves dangerously short-lived, she discovers that becoming the harem’s number one woman may require replacing the man at its center.

To surprise my online boyfriend, I secretly traveled thousands of miles to his university.

When I arrived, I happened to see him coming back to campus from outside.

I was just about to go up and say hi when he walked right past me without so much as a glance.

?

A moment later, my phone buzzed.

“Holy crap, babe. I just saw someone who looked exactly like you.”

“But you’re the only one in my heart, so I didn’t even spare another woman a second look.”

I was so mad I laughed. Right then and there, I snapped a selfie in front of the school gate and sent it to him.

“Maybe try taking another look?”