Comedy

On the day we got divorced, Song Zhiyuan and I nearly came to blows right there in the Civil Affairs Bureau. When the clerk asked for the reason behind the split, he had the audacity to claim he had seven girlfriends on the side. I laughed out of sheer frustration. Seven girlfriends? So you really don’t get a single day off all week, huh? I shot him a sideways glare. “Working seven days a week without a break-can your body even handle that?” Song Zhiyuan sneered. “You’re not my wife anymore. It’s none of your business whether I can handle it or not.” Beside us, the clerk actually gave him a thumbs-up. “A real man. Impressive!”

Vice Minister Ye and I had become bitter enemies. We were constantly at each other’s throats, neither of us willing to yield an inch.

One night, completely wasted, I even started shouting in the tavern: “Hey! Brothers! Tie up Beauty Ye and carry him to this Young Master’s room! I’m going to show him a real good time!”

In my drunken stupor, I thought I heard his hoarse voice roaring: “…You were the one who provoked me first. Why do you keep messing with me… We’re both men, what am I supposed to do…”

Men?

But I’m a girl!

Chapter 0

The Princess believed in living for pleasure.

During a palace banquet, I spared a single extra glance at the Crown Prince, and she had him delivered straight to my bed.

“So what if he’s the Crown Prince? As women, we must rise to the challenge!”

Afterward, the Crown Prince demanded that I take responsibility for him.

The Princess blocked me, refusing to allow it. She declared with righteous indignation, “If you give him an official status, how are you supposed to keep having fun in the future?”

Later, when enemy troops surrounded the imperial palace, I rushed to tell her to flee for her life. Instead, I found her in her tent, favoring dozens of male consorts.

“Princess, look at the time! It’s too late!”

She finally realized the gravity of the situation. “You’re right. Here, I’ll share half of them with you.”

And so, I was delayed as well.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that the Hostage Prince from the enemy nation would be among those male consorts.

Just before he was about to be rescued, I ruined his virtue. He was so furious he ground his teeth in rage.

The Princess and I were captured together. Tied behind horses and dragged along the ground, we were sent to the Great Yan Palace.

To scratch out a living, I confessed my love to the Hostage Prince, claiming I only took his body because I loved him, and begged for his protection.

Unexpectedly, the Princess stepped forward and said, “You fool, you actually believe that? To her, you’re just one of-”

The Hostage Prince drew his sword on the spot, demanding an answer: “Exactly how many men have you had before me?”

“I’m truly done with you! Princess, you’re my living ancestor! Aren’t we unlucky enough already?”

I was so enraged that I coughed up blood and died.

The Princess, however, was so notoriously debauched in her speech and conduct that the enemy soldiers wanted to humiliate her, yet they feared she might actually enjoy it. Left with no other choice, they allowed her to live out her final years in peace.

Carrying my corpse on her back, the Princess declared that since she could no longer seek pleasure in the days to come, she would rather die. She threw herself onto a sword and ended her life immediately.

Reborn into a new life, I have returned to the day I entered the palace to save her.

To win Jiang Bai over, I, a spoiled little princess with a monthly allowance of hundreds of thousands, spent three whole years pretending to be dirt poor.

All just so I could mooch meals and drinks off him.

But now his “white moonlight” has suddenly returned, and she even had the nerve to mock me for being a broke loser.

Fine! Great! You want to see who’s richer?

I’m done pretending!

The Emperor brought a beauty back from Jiangnan and declared his intention to make her his Empress.

I adamantly refused.

“Empress Dowager, why? She and I share such a striking resemblance; it’s a sign we’re meant to be!”

You have the nerve to say that? You’ve gone and dug up the illegitimate daughter I hid so far away!

After I died, my bones became the sword in his hand.

Little did he know that I rarely exercised while I was alive, and I’d developed osteoporosis at a young age.

The sword forged from my bones was sharp enough, but it lacked resilience.

The very first time he used me, someone lopped off his head.

Pei Ling’an said he wanted to break off our engagement again.

This time, it was because I refused to give the golden hairpin I had won for my poetry to my younger cousin.

“The Shen Family has fallen. No matter which daughter I choose to marry, Shen Tongzhi wouldn’t dare say a single word against it.”

He rested his chin on his hand, looking at me with a faint, mocking smile. “Break the engagement, or give the hairpin to Yuchi. Shen Yusu, the choice is yours.”

Everyone was waiting for me to bow my head.

Just as I had done countless times before.

But this time, I only tightened my grip on the golden hairpin and said softly,

“Then let’s break the engagement.”

I drunkenly took advantage of the New Top Scholar. The next day, I waved a hand and offered him compensation.

To my surprise, he turned around and grabbed a rope, intent on hanging himself. I hurriedly promised him gold, shops, and a grand mansion.

He let go of the rope only to try and bash his head against the wall. I held him tight, refusing to let go. “A rank three position in two years, and entry into the Grand Secretariat in three!”

He silently drew a blade. I was completely out of options. “Could it be… you want This Princess to take responsibility?”

He sheathed the knife, lowered his eyes, and whispered, “…That would suffice.”

On her seventieth birthday, Song Xiaotao found an unconscious young man in her vegetable patch. Judging by her years of experience cracking melon seeds and shooting the breeze at the village entrance, this fellow was clearly trouble. Yet, she brought him home anyway. Song Xiaotao had seen off her last living relative ten years ago. Even if he brought a calamity that wiped out her entire household, she was the only one left to go. When the young man came to and saw Song Xiaotao’s wizened face, his vision swam, and he nearly blacked out again. Heavenly Bodhisattva, why was his Love Tribulation partner an old woman?!

I am the empress of six different countries.

It’s hilarious, really. Since I’m so neglected, no one has even realized I’m just working part-time.

So, I took on a seventh.

Little did I know, this emperor wants to unify the world.

Me: “There are seven of you. Why are you the only one being such a handful?”