Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I realized I liked Shen Chen during the National Day holiday of our freshman year. Neither of us had gone home, and we were stuck in the library rushing to finish our advanced mathematics homework.

At a top-tier university, the rat race begins the second you step through the gates.

He actually looked quite focused when he studied. His profile was handsome, and even the way his hands held a pen was attractive.

No wonder so many underclassmen and upperclassmen girls found excuses to wander past the men’s formation during military training just to steal a glance at Shen Chen.

At first, they were hostile toward me. But after they realized my relationship with Shen Chen was platonic-and that I held the power of veto over any potential girlfriend-their attitude toward me became much warmer.

The library was silent. Shen Chen, sitting next to me, suddenly leaned in and whispered, “Why are you always helping me?”

His breath brushed against my ear, causing my hand to falter mid-sentence.

“I know. You must…” Shen Chen’s handsome face suddenly drew closer, a hint of mischief in his eyes. “You must like me, right?”

It was early autumn. The afternoon sun filtered through the glass windows, making his eyes sparkle like amber cat’s-eyes.

His hair was soft and slightly tousled, like a lazy cat tempting you to reach out and pet it.

The scent of plane trees and osmanthus lingered in the sun-dappled air.

After a long silence, a blot of ink had already bled into a dark circle under my pen.

Did I… like him?

“Just kidding.” Seeing my silence, he reached out and ruffled my hair instead. “Lin Weiwei, I know you just feel sorry for me.”

I had reached out my hand to pet the cat, but it had simply stretched, then sauntered away with nonchalant ease.

He was a natural hunter; his timing for setting the trap and drawing the net was impeccable.

I only then realized that perhaps it wasn’t pity at all.

I liked Shen Chen. And the fatal part was, I didn’t know when it had started, nor did I know what it was about him that I liked.

If I couldn’t find the variable ‘X’ to plug in, how was I supposed to solve this equation?

That night, I tossed and turned in bed, wondering: what exactly did I like about him?

Was it the day I had period cramps?

During that advanced math lecture, I was slumped over the desk, breaking into a cold sweat from the pain. I opened WeChat and sent a message to Shen Chen, who was at the top of my pinned chats.

In less than ten minutes, I saw Shen Chen throw open the classroom door. He had just been playing basketball; he was still in his jersey, his sports headband hadn’t been taken off, and his breathing was ragged, his face flushed.

He had run there in a desperate hurry. Gasping for air, he anxiously scanned the back of the classroom.

“Lin Weiwei? Lin Weiwei? Where are you, Lin Weiwei!”

I inwardly rolled my eyes. That idiot. Did he think everyone was like him, always sneaking into the back rows for class?

My math professor-a man who had spent his life chasing the Goldbach Conjecture until he went bald in middle age-asked repeatedly through his portable amplifier, “Hey, who are you? You…”

Shen Chen finally spotted me in the front row.

Even though it was just menstrual pain, he was so frantic that he reached out to feel my forehead.

“Does it still hurt? I’ll carry you back to the dorm.”

Or was it that day we walked side-by-side under the streetlights after the end-of-semester dinner?

It didn’t hurt to see him being a flirt, nor did it hurt to see him making the campus belle laugh. I knew those were just passing fancies for him.

But when Su Yue appeared, I realized Shen Chen was serious.

Su Yue was from the neighboring university; they met at a social mixer.

His mother had been very relieved when he got into this university. Shen Chen didn’t listen to his father, but he was very obedient toward his mother. He tried his best not to skip classes and would ask me for help during finals.

But when Su Yue appeared, he started skipping classes for her, just so he could attend hers with her.

Finally, walking back from the end-of-semester dinner, I stopped under a streetlight and called his name.

“Shen Chen, can you please focus on your studies?”

I said it was about studying, but I had a selfish motive.

*Stop dating Su Yue. Just focus on your studies.*

Perhaps because he rarely saw me so serious, he suddenly leaned in, as if trying to see if I was an impostor.

Startled, I closed my eyes.

His eyelashes were like butterfly wings, brushing against my face and stirring a hurricane in my heart.

“Not hiding?”

He merely flicked my forehead and teased, “Weiwei is such a coward, trying to talk like a grown-up.”

Shen Chen was right. I was a coward.

I liked him but didn’t dare say it, choosing instead to talk about “studying hard.”

He could see right through my little secret.

I could understand why Shen Chen liked Su Yue.

When Su Yue’s mother found out she was dating, she invited Shen Chen over for dinner with a smile.

Shen Chen, who was usually a man of few words, rambled to me that day with uncharacteristic talkativeness.

“The whole family sat together for dinner. The dad cooked, the mom washed the dishes. It was so nice.”

“Their family portrait is hanging right on the wall; you see it the moment you walk in.”

“Weiwei, I want a home like that too.”

The security and confidence Su Yue possessed from her upbringing was something I could never hope to match, no matter how many times I ranked first in my exams.

Or was it the day Su Yue broke up with him to go abroad?

It was September 17th, Shen Chen’s birthday.

A light rain was falling. Shen Chen didn’t go to see her off. I hadn’t known Su Yue was leaving on such short notice; we had originally agreed to celebrate at a restaurant. I waited for an hour alone, holding the cake, but they never showed up. Frantic, I called several times, but his phone was off.

In a pathetic state, I braved the rain to protect the cake and made my way to the place where Shen Chen and Su Yue lived.

I hesitated to knock, but the door wasn’t locked.

The room was dim. I saw Shen Chen sitting alone by the bed. The room was thick with cigarette smoke, making my lungs ache.

I pulled back the curtains and opened the window to let in some air, but he suddenly hugged me from behind. He buried his head forcefully into the crook of my neck, his voice muffled and hoarse.

“Weiwei, you’re the only one who won’t leave, right?”

My hand on the curtain froze.

“Yeah. I won’t leave.”

And after that, I was never able to escape.

He wanted the warmth of a home, so I learned to be a great cook, making soups and meals for him.

Perhaps it was because I treated him too well, or because we stayed too close.

As a result, we weren’t quite friends, yet weren’t quite lovers.

Shen Chen once said, “Weiwei, being with you always makes my conscience uneasy.”

“Because I don’t love you.”

When he said those words, there was a kind of cruelty that was almost innocent.

What did I say back then?

I looked at his profile through the haze of smoke and gave a forced, carefree smile.

“It’s fine. I don’t love you either.”