Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I have been the Empress for three years, and my greatest skill is silence.

When the concubines in the harem were defiant, I did not contend with them. When those in the imperial court claimed I was unworthy of my position, I did not argue. The Empress Dowager looked down on me at first, but after seeing that I never used the Emperor’s favor to stir up trouble, her attitude toward me gradually softened.

I managed the six palaces with meticulous order, ensuring rewards and punishments were meted out fairly, and I never relied on Yan Yuheng to back me up.

Once, the Imperial Household Department embezzled the winter charcoal allotment, causing several children of lower-ranking concubines to fall ill from the cold. Following palace regulations, I ordered the head eunuch to be caned on the spot, showing no mercy even to the Duke Ning’s Mansion that stood behind him. The matter caused a stir in the court, and everyone waited to see if His Majesty would blame me.

However, when Yan Yuheng came to Kunning Palace that night, he simply pushed a bowl of hot soup toward me.

“Did you suffer any grievances today?”

I smiled faintly. “Your servant has no grievances.”

“You are always like this.” He looked at me, his tone hovering between heartache and helplessness. “You never say a word.”

I lowered my head to sip the soup, offering no reply.

What could I say?

Should I say that I manage this harem for you not because I am exceptionally virtuous, but because I know that being a quiet, sensible, and trouble-free shadow is the only way to earn your favor?

Or should I say that keeping the crabapple hairpin you gave me by my side every night is becoming more and more of a joke?

Yan Yuheng did not know that I, too, had moments of fear.

I feared that one day, the real Shen Zhaotang would return.

I also feared that one day, I wouldn’t even be able to explain why I was afraid.

Chunbi once tried to persuade me: “Your Highness, if you truly feel distressed, why not speak plainly with His Majesty? Even if His Majesty only favored you because of Consort Shen at the beginning, after three years, there must be some sincerity in his heart by now.”

I was practicing calligraphy at my desk, and my brush paused at her words.

The character “Heng” on the paper was instantly ruined by a blot of ink.

“Sincerity?” I looked at the ink stain and suddenly laughed. “He doesn’t even know which one of us he actually likes. Where would sincerity come from?”

I was stunned by my own words.

It turned out that at some point, I had already begun to see things so clearly.

Yan Yuheng’s greatest love was neither Shen Zhaotang nor Shen Heng.

What he loved was an old dream-one that would forever stay seventeen, never change, and never disappoint him.

The dead are best.

The dead do not compete with him, do not resent him, do not age, and certainly do not have tempers of their own.

And I, because I am alive, must learn to turn myself into that dream as well.