Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Once a person begins to play the role of another, it becomes easy to forget who they originally were.

During the Lantern Festival that year, a banquet was held in the palace. Yan Yuheng had me sit by his side. After several rounds of wine, he ordered the musicians to play the zither. I knew this was my chance, so I played a piece called “Spring Mountain Moon,” following the fingering techniques Nanny Lu had taught me.

Halfway through the performance, the entire hall fell so silent that one could hear a pin drop.

When I looked up, I saw Yan Yuheng’s hand trembling as he held his wine cup.

His eyes were red again.

After the banquet ended that night, he took the initiative to embrace me for the first time. He held me tightly, as if he had recovered something he had lost.

“Ah Tang,” he murmured in my ear. “You’ve come back, haven’t you?”

I leaned against his chest, feeling as though a blade were slowly grinding against my heart, inch by inch.

Yet, I still raised my arms to return his embrace.

“Your Majesty,” I answered softly, “Your servant is here.”

From then on, he visited Kunning Palace more frequently.

He would have me play chess with him, accompany him to the Imperial Garden to watch the rain, or stand with him atop the city gates to look out at the lights of ten thousand homes. Others thought I was basking in the height of imperial favor; only I knew that I was simply becoming better at being her.

Once, while he was reviewing official memorials late into the night, he suddenly set down his brush and called me over.

“Ah Heng,” he looked at me, seemingly hesitant. “In the past… you weren’t like this.”

My heart skipped a beat.

“What was your servant like in the past?”

He didn’t answer. He simply reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear and smiled. “This way is also very good.”

I understood the meaning behind his words.

The Shen Heng of the past would sneak honey-glazed plums under the veranda, complain about the complexity of palace rules, and lower her eyes in silence whenever he intentionally brought “her” up. But the current me would do none of those things.

The current me was obedient, proper, and soft-spoken-like an old portrait that had been meticulously mounted and framed.

I ground myself down bit by bit, shaping myself into the version of her he knew best.

As expected, Yan Yuheng became increasingly unable to leave my side.

But the more it became like this, the colder I felt.

Because I knew very well that the person he had fallen in love with was the character I was portraying.

It wasn’t me.

As Chunbi helped me undo my hair, she couldn’t help but tear up. “Your Highness, you practice the zither every night until your fingers bleed. Why go to such lengths?”

I hid my fingertips in my sleeves and gave a faint smile.

“I have to be of some use.”

When I first entered the palace, I only wanted to ensure the safety of the Shen Family.

Later, I began to grow greedy, wanting him to look at me more.

Later still, I actually wanted him to look at me-even if just for a moment-while he was looking at “her.”

I knew this was a delusion.

But once a delusion takes root, it does not die easily.