chapter 8

June 15, 2024 to June 17, 2024.

Phase Three (Part Two).

[Why do our closest loved ones leave? Because I want to go to the next life ahead of time and set up a home for them.]

I was surprised by my mother’s sharp intuition.

After hiding for so long, it was bound to happen eventually.

I mustered up my courage and finally said, “It’s for the role. The character I’m playing comes from a poor family and is always bullied. Then a girl from the same village, jealous of her looks, shaved off half her hair while she was asleep.”

I was nervous. I didn’t know if my mom would believe such a clumsy excuse.

Luckily, my mom believed it easily: “Can’t you use one of those wigs? Like the ones they use when playing Qing Dynasty princes?”

“My hair is too thick, it looks fake. Besides, it’ll grow back. I’m someone who takes my roles seriously-I don’t want to just fool the audience.” I teased her, “Mom, how did you figure it out? I was thinking if you didn’t notice, I’d take it off suddenly and give you a scare.”

“Take off your wig and let me see?” My mom was indignant. “You’re a piece of flesh that fell from my body. How could I not recognize you? I even know every strand of your hair.”

I gave her a thumbs up.

“Comrade Yang Yun is amazing-nothing escapes Comrade Yang Yun’s eyes.”

The moment I took off my wig, I saw the pain in my mother’s eyes.

Comrade Yang Yun, please don’t look at me like that. I’m afraid I really can’t hold on.

It took a lot of effort to get through to my parents.

I sat in my room waiting for Xiao Qin.

Her camera was pointed at me and she saw I was crying.

I just held back the sound.

She rushed over, “Sis, don’t cry, okay?”

I couldn’t help it and suddenly hugged her. “Tell me, what does it feel like to personally send your own daughter off? I’m afraid they won’t be able to take it.”

I cried for a little while, then remembered I still had things to do.

“I invited you to my house because I want you to help record some things with your camera.” I took a few bank cards out of my bag.

“Let’s treat it like a little game. The money I’ve earned over the years is in these cards, and I’ll hide them around the house.”

“Tell my parents, if they feel sad, they can play this treasure hunt game with me.”

We lay together on the same bed.

I told her a lot of things, some trivial.

I don’t even know if I covered everything, or if I left anything out.

“Some students I’ve been sponsoring-I’ll ask friends to keep supporting them.

“I built a Hope Primary School, but it’s just at the brick-laying stage. I promised the principal I’d go to the opening ceremony, but now I can only say sorry.

“In my last show, a lot of people criticized me for gaining weight. Actually, it was because I was sick and swollen. I’m sorry.

“When I was little, my dad taught me to ride a bike. He’d let go after just a couple of pedals, and I’d crash straight into the bushes and lose a tooth. My mom would watch from the window and scold him nonstop. That’s why I have a fake tooth.

“When I first started acting, I was terrible and the director would yell at me. I’d just cry and cry.

“I always say I like blue, but actually, I love pink the most. I was afraid people would think it was tacky, so I’ve claimed to like blue since I was a kid. I’ve said it so much I got used to it myself.

“I’ve already edited my own photo-not in black and white, and I’m smiling brightly. I’ll send it to you later, use that one for my memorial photo.

“Honestly, I haven’t been a good daughter. The only thing I can leave them is these bank cards.”

The video from this part was shaking badly.

The next day, both Xiao Qin and I had swollen eyes.

“No more staying up late to binge dramas. Look at us, two pandas.” I pretended to be calm, then spent the whole day eating with Xiao Qin.

As dinnertime approached, I said I had to go.

My mom stuffed chili sauce into my bag: “The food on set isn’t good. Isn’t this your favorite thing I make? Take it with you.”

I stood to the side and said to Xiao Qin, “You know, my mom really made this. It’s delicious. Mom, give Xiao Qin two jars too.”

Xiao Qin waved her hands, refusing.

I accepted them for her: “Let’s go. We have to fly to the set early tomorrow, can’t waste any time.”

I drove for about half an hour.

Finally, I stopped in a remote corner.

I hurriedly opened the car door and got out to throw up everything.

I haven’t been able to eat this much for a long time. I forced it all down.

My stomach hurt so much, it felt like it was turning inside out.

After a while, I finally recovered, my eyes red from crying: “Xiao Qin, I’ll never get to eat my mom’s chili sauce again. Look at me, I’m still alive, but my stomach can’t take it anymore.”

This time, it was Xiao Qin’s turn to cry her heart out.

I rarely hear a girl cry so miserably.

It was as tragic as it could get.

“Don’t cry, don’t cry. You’re crying so hard I don’t even want to cry anymore.”

She tossed her phone aside, the camera pointing at the car ceiling.

No one was in the frame, only her wailing voice.

“How can I not feel terrible? I’m here with you, fulfilling your last wishes. It hurts so much, I feel like I’m dying.

“Why can’t I cry? I just want to cry.”