Chapter 5

Chapter 5

After that day, I continued to show kindness to Chen Zhen while pondering my next move.

Teacher Lu treated me as she always had, but I could sense that the way she looked at me had become somewhat uneasy.

Though my father had been tactful, his disdain for Chen Zhen was self-evident-it was only human nature. Teacher Lu was a sensible woman, too.

But an invisible rift began to form nonetheless.

A few days later, Teacher Lu called me into her office. We chatted about my studies for a while before she finally mentioned that since we were now in the third year of middle school, everyone was busy. She said explaining problems to Chen Zhen would take up too much of my time and she didn’t want to trouble me.

I told her it was no problem, just a small favor, and that it was only right for classmates to help each other.

We went back and forth like this for a while. Teacher Lu had no other choice but to let me have my way.

During a break between classes, I sat next to Chen Zhen to work out a math problem for her.

She kept her head down, her ponytail hanging forward and obscuring her profile. I caught the scent of her hair and found myself a bit distracted.

A classmate nearby teased, “Explaining problems to your girlfriend again?”

In the past, I would have ignored such jokes, but this time, I actually gave it serious thought.

Maybe I should stop dreaming about becoming her brother and just marry Chen Zhen instead. That way, Teacher Lu would become my mother-in-law, which was basically the same as being my mother.

My father would definitely never agree to it, so I would simply sever ties with him.

But I was only fifteen. It would be many years before I reached the legal marriage age; it felt like an eternity away.

And if I were to ask myself honestly: did I really want to be with a woman like this?

I didn’t.

I was only being good to Chen Zhen for Teacher Lu’s sake. Not only did I not like her, I actually detested her.

I detested that expressionless, dead-eyed face of hers. I detested her air of entitlement. I detested how she never gave Teacher Lu any response, how she wantonly wasted precious affection and social resources. I detested how she was utterly useless yet continued to be a burden to others…

In short, that strategy wouldn’t work.

So what other way was there?

I thought back to that night, to that sinful idea.

I kept trying to forget it, but once the thought emerged, it was impossible to suppress.

It flickered in and out of my mind, jumping out whenever I felt helpless, flaunting its feasibility. It constantly told me that this was the best, most permanent solution.

Round and round I went, always ending up back here, until I was completely swallowed by the darkness.

Murder-what a terrifying word.

But if I killed Chen Zhen, wouldn’t that be like removing a pest for the sake of the people?

In fact, Teacher Lu probably wanted to be free deep down in her subconscious; she was only holding on through sheer force of responsibility.

She must have had the thought-even if only for a fleeting second-of how much better life would be if Chen Zhen didn’t exist, right?

But she was bound by the shackles of “maternal love.”

I was out of options, truly out of options.

This was the final resort.

Once I began to seriously contemplate murder, I lost my right to be called human. Once the psychological defense line was breached, my thoughts lost all control, spiraling out toward an endless abyss-

To kill Chen Zhen without anyone knowing, I would have to disguise it as an accident or suicide.

People with autism are already prone to suicidal tendencies. I wouldn’t even need much of a setup for people to jump to that conclusion. It was a natural advantage.

I took note of the tall buildings and waterways in the area. There were many suitable places for a suicide, but there were also many surveillance cameras along the way. If I took her there, I wouldn’t be able to get away scot-free.

Besides, Chen Zhen was always with Teacher Lu except during class. I had no way to take her away alone.

The best way was to make Chen Zhen want to die on her own.

If she developed suicidal thoughts herself, there would be plenty of opportunities. For example, she could just walk out of the classroom during a break and jump straight off the building. No matter how closely Teacher Lu watched her, she wouldn’t be able to prevent that.

It would be difficult. I could only try.

I consulted a vast number of psychology books and found that the best method was hypnosis, but that wasn’t realistic.

On one hand, I was just a middle schooler; no matter how much I studied, I couldn’t reach the technical proficiency of a psychiatrist. On the other hand, hypnosis required a quiet, enclosed environment and an uninterrupted period of time. For the same reason as before, I couldn’t get Chen Zhen alone.

All I could do was induce it by applying mental pressure.

During breaks while I was explaining problems, I would whisper into Chen Zhen’s ear-

“The other students all say you’re so stupid. You’ve made your mother’s life miserable.”

“She’s wasted her whole life on you. She could have been so happy.”

“But I think it’s quite impressive that you’ve held on this long. If I were you, I would have killed myself long ago.”

“It’s not like you’ll ever get better, and there’s no future for you. If it were me, I really wouldn’t want to be a burden to my mother.”

…

I could safely give Chen Zhen psychological suggestions, instilling her with world-weary thoughts. She wouldn’t tell Teacher Lu; she didn’t speak at all.

But inducing someone to commit suicide was truly difficult. Many factors were uncontrollable, and there was no telling when it would take effect. This was especially true since the subject was someone whose brain was already “broken.” I had no idea how much of what I was instilling was actually getting through, and I had to avoid being overheard by others.

At that time, my own mental state was also suffering. It made me miserable to say such cruel things every day.

After saying so much, Chen Zhen still showed no reaction. I still had to watch their deep mother-daughter bond with my own eyes. Eventually, I didn’t want to say anything anymore.

As the third year of middle school progressed, schoolwork became even more hectic. I was already physically and mentally exhausted just from completing my daily studies, yet I still had to divert my energy to think about Teacher Lu’s situation.

I clung tightly to that sliver of hope, not wanting it to be extinguished.

There had to be a way.

While I was stuck in this predicament, the mother and daughter seemed to have found a new path and were busy exploring it.

In the past, I would always linger in Teacher Lu’s office for a while after school. But now, as soon as school ended, Teacher Lu and Chen Zhen would leave, and the office door would be tightly locked.

Geography classes became fewer in the third year, and Teacher Lu appeared less and less frequently. At the same time, Chen Zhen began to take frequent leaves of absence.

On the rare occasions I saw Teacher Lu, she looked much healthier than before.
Why was this happening?

Teacher Lu used to be extremely worried about Chen Zhen’s prospects for higher education, but recently, it was as if she had suddenly seen the light.

I kept staring blankly at the empty desk in front of me, wondering what this mother and daughter were busy with. Had they given up on school, or were they avoiding me?

The more I thought about it, the more painful it became. Every day I spent without seeing them was passed in a state of anxious agony.

There was no need to hide from me, was there? Why would they avoid me?

I hadn’t done anything out of line yet, had I?

No, it probably had nothing to do with me. They had their own rhythm of life.

Who did I think I was, anyway?

All this time, I had been the only one suffering.

When I finally saw Teacher Lu again, both she and Chen Zhen were a bit tanned. She said they had gone out hiking. I never expected that their half-month disappearance was for something like that.

Teacher Lu looked to be in high spirits. She greeted me warmly and even invited me to her house for dinner. I accepted immediately.

I had been there a few times before, especially during the period when I was preparing for the Geography Olympiad. I loved eating at Teacher Lu’s house, but this time, I had a premonition.

This would likely be the last time.

Their apartment complex was very dilapidated. It used to be public housing allocated by a work unit, which they later purchased. Because it was so old and lacked management, the infrastructure couldn’t keep up, and illegal extensions and structures were everywhere.

They lived on the fifth floor. The apartment was cluttered; everywhere the eye could see was filled with books-teaching materials, various classics, and books related to autism.

There were also many picture books scattered on the floor, always in the same spot every time I visited.

Teacher Lu had mentioned that certain things had to be kept in fixed positions, or else Chen Zhen would become anxious. This was a repetitive behavior typical of autism.

Teacher Lu preferred tidiness, but she had to accommodate her daughter’s needs.

I helped Teacher Lu cook. When I brought the dishes out, I saw Chen Zhen sitting upright in front of the television.

She was watching an outdoor survival documentary. Her face was still expressionless, but her head was held high, and she looked very focused.

I found it strange; I rarely saw Chen Zhen with her head up like that.

Teacher Lu said that a while ago, she accidentally discovered that Chen Zhen was very interested in outdoor documentaries, so she took her out a few times. It turned out that she was very relaxed in the wilderness and possessed strong practical skills. She could fish, weave mats out of grass, and build simple stoves. She even learned how to start a fire with a hand drill in one go, and her personality had become much more cheerful.

Teacher Lu realized that this might be where her daughter’s talent lay.

That was why they had been taking leaves of absence lately-to go out into the wild.

I found it absurd. While I was in such pain, they were out there playing and researching how to start fires with sticks?

Chen Zhen’s talent was being a primitive? It was laughable.

But I could only act surprised and pretend to be happy for Teacher Lu.

Teacher Lu said she used to be too high-strung, always forcing her daughter to learn this or that, wanting her to become “normal” as quickly as possible. Her own tension made Chen Zhen tense as well, which was counterproductive to her treatment. Compared to being in a crowd of people, Chen Zhen preferred nature.

Teacher Lu explained that she had finally come to terms with it. Chen Zhen wasn’t good at the standard curriculum in school, so she planned to take Chen Zhen out more in the future, learning through play. Since she was a geography teacher, teaching about nature came naturally to her.

Her family had a plot of land in the countryside. After her ancestors passed away, the old house had been uninhabited for years and had half-collapsed. It was nestled against mountains and near water, with beautiful scenery. She planned to rebuild a small house there for the two of them to live in.

Before Chen Zhen was diagnosed with autism as a young child, she loved going back to the old family home. Living there would also be beneficial for her therapy.

Construction on the country house had already begun, and they had been heading back frequently lately to check on the progress.

For now, they were taking it one step at a time, as long as Chen Zhen was happy.

I asked Teacher Lu what would happen to her job. She said she’d see when the time came; she could also transfer to a rural school.

But that place was in a mountain hollow in a neighboring province. Although it wasn’t officially a poverty-stricken county, the economy was far worse than it was here.

She was a Special-Grade Teacher. Was she really willing to give that up?

I stared intently at her expression, trying to find any emotion other than joy, but there was none. She had made this decision without the slightest hesitation.

If they moved back to their old home, I might never see Teacher Lu again for the rest of my life. I was terrified at the thought, yet Teacher Lu’s expression remained calm.

Was she really that resolute? She had clearly praised me for being smart and sensible, called me a good kid, and yet she didn’t have a single shred of lingering attachment to me.

I finished the meal in a daze, standing frozen in the middle of the living room, watching Teacher Lu busily clear the table.

She moved back and forth around me, but she felt like a phantom-no matter how close I got, I couldn’t grasp her.

Just like many years ago, when I saw my mother in a nightmare during a severe illness.

They would all leave me without a second thought.

After dinner, Teacher Lu sat with Chen Zhen to watch the documentary. As they watched, she taught her various outdoor skills: how to observe the terrain, how to identify flora and fauna, how to use the Big Dipper to find directions, how to collect fresh water, how to tell the wind direction, and so on.

Chen Zhen still didn’t say a word, but her expression had softened. She looked at the TV, then at her mother, but she never looked at me.

She was completely ignoring me. I had whispered so much into her ear before, but she hadn’t listened to a single word.

Watching them in such harmony, I felt increasingly lonely. I felt more and more that they were inseparable, and I was just an outsider.

This dinner was indeed the last one. Teacher Lu solemnly thanked me for my help over the past two years. She urged me to study hard, saying that they would be heading toward a new goal and would likely not see me again.

After all my hard work, it all came to nothing in the end.

They were leaving. What was I supposed to do now?

My only hope had vanished. What was I supposed to do with my life?

Everything felt meaningless.

I walked to her window and looked out at the pitch-black night sky.

No stars, no moon, no clouds.

I thought about death.

I looked down, but I couldn’t see the ground below. My vision was blocked by the security bars and the outdoor air conditioning unit.

The story couldn’t end like this.