chapter 29

I returned to the bridal chamber, my gaze sweeping over Lin Yange, who lay unconscious on the ground. I lowered my head, sharpening the knife.

“Not now.” Yan Ci lazily reached out to twirl a strand of my hair. “Do as you wish, but before dawn, help me finish the task.”

Yan Ci said, a woman’s belly made him think of children, children made him think of birth, birth made him think of death.

Death reminded him of Madam. And Madam made him recall the days when Yan Qing forced him to eat filth, drink urine, and bark like a dog. It sickened him.

I rolled up Lin Yange’s sleeve; on the crook of her arm was a bright red chastity mark. Without consummation, it could not be erased.

Piece by piece, I undressed Lin Yange, but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t untie the knot of her dudou. Unable to help myself, I raised my hand and complained, “Such trouble.” Yan Ci pressed close behind me, his chin resting on my shoulder blade, his cold palm covering my hand. “Let me teach you.”

After teaching me how to untie the bride’s dudou, he squatted by the basin to wash his hands, cupping water in his palms. “Guess, what am I holding?”

“Power,” he said. “In this world, the only thing worthy of being held in one’s hands is power that can stir clouds and rain.”

Half a month after the wedding, many guests came and went at Yan Ci’s residence. I stood under a tree, gazing at the lines in my palm, thinking of the wedding night when Yan Ci lifted that handful of water and said it was power. Then I wondered, did he ever think that water can carry a boat, but also capsize it?

Lin Yange had nothing to do, but couldn’t bear to see me idle. She sent someone to buy twenty pigs and threw them at me, forbidding me to eat until I slaughtered them all.

After two days without food, I finished slaughtering the last pig, reeking of blood and filth, and snuck into the Buddha hall to eat the offerings.

Guanyin Bodhisattva, practicing deep Prajnaparamita, saw that the five skandhas are all empty, and thus relieved all suffering and distress. Please, relieve the suffering of this starving soul.

Yan Ci found me easily, sat with me curled up under the offering table, slowly peeling the skin off a candied sweet potato, sharing secrets with me.

“The rebel commoners in Jingzhou have risen. General Lin is mobilizing his troops to go with me to Jingzhou and suppress the rebels. Father King has granted permission.” He told me to hold out my hand and handed me the peeled sweet potato. “Come. Let’s go to Jingzhou. There are plenty of pigs and people there-you’ll like it.”