Chapter 33
The fallen leaves in the Courtyard swirled, landing on the stone table and at my feet.
I paused my writing and looked up. The wind was rising, and golden leaves drifted down from the sky, gently and slowly settling atop the Kṣitigarbha Sutra I was copying for my lost child.
Xiaotao came out from the house, draped a cloak over my shoulders, and said, “Miss, why don’t you go inside and try on the wedding dress?”
Ever since I lost the child, my hands and feet have often felt cold, my body weaker than before.
These two wedding dresses were sent by Prince An a few days ago. One is embroidered with a subtle peony pattern, the other with a phoenix.
I am merely a Concubine’s Daughter, lowly and unchaste, entangled with his younger brother in an ambiguous way. When the child died, the filthy blood even stained him.
I do not understand what use I could possibly be to him.
When he came to deliver the wedding dresses, I asked him what he would need me to do for him in the future.
There was a trace of confusion and puzzlement in his eyes, as if to say, with his supreme power and status, what could he possibly need from me?
I asked again, “Is it because you pity me that you wish to marry me?”
He shook his head. “There are many in this world more pitiable than you.”
I was perplexed. “Then what is it? I am neither chaste nor pure, and I have lost a child. Marrying me would surely bring disgrace to your household.”
He took a slow sip of tea and asked in return, “What do you think?”
I did not know.
“In this world, it is never easy for women. A woman’s honor and fate are tied to men for life. Not every woman has the opportunity or means to be independent and strong. You once named yourself Mingzhu, perhaps because you did not wish to be a lotus in the mud. A pearl covered in dust inevitably evokes regret.”
I do not believe his nonsense. Who would be so kind for no reason? But I am not afraid. Life has already become this miserable-how much worse could it get?
Pulling myself from my memories, I hesitated for a long time before the two wedding dresses, and finally chose the one embroidered with peonies.
Xiaotao picked up the dress and helped me put it on, smoothing the fabric over my back. Suddenly, she choked up and said, “Miss, you must eat more at lunch today. Only if you are full will you have the strength to copy the sutra.”
She moved to stand in front of me, straightening my collar. Tears streamed down her face like broken pearls, her voice trembling uncontrollably: “This wedding dress was urgently made by the Imperial Wardrobe Bureau on Prince An’s orders, using only the finest materials. With Prince An so attentive, life will surely get better and better.”
I raised my hand to wipe her tears, but she suddenly lowered her head, covered her face, and ran off, leaving only a sentence behind: “This servant will go fetch your meal.”
I sighed. Being able to leave this home is already enough. I dare not hope for anything more.