Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I withdrew the people I had stationed in the Office of Ceremonial Affairs and packed away all the jade pendants, folding fans, and hairpins Chi Yan had given me.

I wanted to try and forget him.

Since I had fallen in love with him so easily back then, I was certain I could forget him now as long as I set my mind to it.

Sure enough, Chi Yan never came to see me again.

Perhaps he was also waiting for me to give up on him-waiting for me to stop using our past to pressure him, so he could be with Lin Yue without any burden or lingering attachments.

Fine, then. I would step aside and let those two wretches have each other!

I began to find other things to distract myself.

I went to learn how to make pastries, spending entire days in the kitchen.

I secretly went to the market to collect old trinkets and agates. I’d buy them and display them on my bookshelves; whenever I felt miserable, I’d smash them. I’d smash them and buy more, then buy more and smash them again.

Chu Jue would pick up the shards from the floor, foolishly advising me not to be so wasteful.

I went to drink tea and bury jars of wine under the peach blossoms while listening to Chu Jue play the xun. I complained that his playing was terrible and told him to switch to something more festive, but he insisted the instrument simply sounded that way and that it was my heart that lacked peace.

I chased him away and enjoyed my tea and snacks alone.

I went to Frist Attendant Shen’s palace to fly kites with the other women. Chu Jue made a magpie kite for me, saying it was a symbol of joy. I was actually quite happy.

That day, my kite flew the highest, the farthest, and stayed up the longest.

During this time, Chi Yan conferred upon me the title of Noble Consort. Not only did he grant me additional rewards and an honorary title, but he also renovated the Phoenix Brocade Palace. It was clear he was doing his best to compensate me, or rather, doing his best to fulfill the promises of his youth.

To be with Lin Yue with a clear conscience, he was more than willing to give me anything-anything except the position of Empress or his love.

After being busy for a while, I went to learn embroidery from Zhi Hong.

I intended to embroider a pair of mandarin ducks playing in the water, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get it right. I ripped the stitches out and started over, then ripped them out again, until my hands were covered in blood from needle pricks. It hurt so much that tears began to fall.

With a grim expression, Chu Jue applied medicine to my wounds.

“Your Majesty,” he called out, his voice sounding a bit low. “It already looks very beautiful. Please, don’t embroider anymore.”

I lowered my head and stared at his face-a face that was eighty or ninety percent similar to Chi Yan’s. As I looked, I couldn’t help but break into a sob.

I rarely cried so quietly. Usually, I was hysterical, taking my anger out on everyone around me.

In the past, I always felt that if others made my life difficult, I wouldn’t let them have it easy either.

Chu Jue waited until I finished crying before bringing over a glass screen. With a submissive look on his face, he asked tentatively, “Do you want to smash something? I’ll join you.”

This man-usually he was so upright, lecturing me about not being wasteful, yet now he was the one instigating the destruction.

“You really have no principles,” I said, taking the glass screen from his hands.

The corners of his mouth started to lift, but he seemed to remember something and quickly smoothed his expression back down.

I didn’t look at him again. I set the screen aside, leaving it unharmed, and let out a silent sigh.

It shouldn’t be long now. I should be forgetting him soon.