Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I changed my name after I started following Pei Yunchuan, taking my mother’s surname from then on.

He picked me up in the sixteenth year of Jingzhao. He was only thirteen then, just a boy himself. In this Cold Palace, where food and clothing were always in short supply, he could barely keep himself alive, let alone raise a young girl.

I was a delicate and difficult girl to raise. In those first few years, I was constantly ill and sensitive to the cold because I had fallen into a frozen lake during the winter. I put Pei Yunchuan through quite a lot of trouble.

In my memory, Pei Yunchuan was always that foolish and easily deceived. Outside, he would flatter and fawn over superiors while looking down on subordinates, but when he returned and we were alone, he would always call me “Little Highness,” never forgetting to nag me to remember his kindness.

I was young then, but I was more precocious and intelligent than other children.

I knew how to weave a web of lies to coax Pei Yunchuan into keeping me hidden, and I knew exactly what to do to make a eunuch feel pity for me.

In other words, I knew how to survive.

Pei Yunchuan used me as a stepping stone for promotion, and I used him as a temporary shelter.

At first, I was no different from those masters in the palace who viewed servants as dogs. I felt that these eunuchs, who flattered the powerful and trampled the weak, were naturally treacherous, cowardly, and foolish. They were tools to be used at will and discarded the moment they lost their value.

I stood on the same moral high ground as most of the world to judge these castrated men, almost certain that because they lacked a part of themselves, they had lost all human dignity and integrity.

Back then, I actually loathed Pei Yunchuan, but I couldn’t survive without him.

Children of the imperial family are born with innate wisdom and arrogance, but I never showed it. I always watched this servant who lived with me day and night with the eyes of an outsider.

He was an utterly useless, petty man-a fair-weather friend with no backbone. Whenever he was beaten or punished, he loved to secretly wipe away tears, muttering harsh threats behind people’s backs while he cried.

He had two faces: one for public and one for private. He would act like a tyrant in front of eunuchs younger than himself, yet he was accustomed to fawning over those with higher ranks.

Such a servant didn’t even have a charcoal ration. When the weather turned cold, I could only draw near to him, my only heat source. Despite my internal resistance, I had to huddle into his arms for warmth.

His status was so lowly that he couldn’t even enter the gates of the Imperial Hospital when he fell ill. He never cared about himself; instead, he would take out all his monthly wages and entrust them to the eunuchs who went out to buy supplies, asking them to bring back medicine for my cold affliction.

He suffered a lot in the palace and had a sweet tooth, but from the moment I arrived, he never ate another bite of the sugar cubes or pastries he managed to get.

Pei Yunchuan served me every day, washing me, dressing me, coaxing me to sleep, and even brewing my medicine. He would rather go hungry and cold himself than let me suffer even a bit of hardship.

I understood all his selfish motives and knew that this kindness was tainted with the intent to use me, yet I was inherently conflicted.

As time passed, even I realized it: I both loathed him and depended on him.

It wasn’t until the twenty-third year of Jingzhao that my cold affliction began to improve.

That year, my body had filled out. My features were distinct and elegant. When I smiled at someone, I was as striking as a begonia flower blooming under the moon, always drawing the eye.

I didn’t like being hidden in the room all day. Five years had passed, and no one could recognize me as the princess who had supposedly died a sudden, untimely death years ago.

I didn’t dare step out of the Cold Palace, but while Pei Yunchuan was on duty, I would lean against the largest scholar tree in the Cold Palace, wearing the eunuch uniform he had worn as a youth, reading the books he had asked others to buy from outside the palace.

In recent years, although still in the Cold Palace, Pei Yunchuan had been promoted. Life was better than those first few years.

In winter, we finally had a charcoal ration. Since I was no longer so sensitive to the cold, he would voluntarily make a bed on the floor, letting me sleep on the couch.

Pei Yunchuan knew I was literate. He would always go around asking what the noble sons at the Imperial Academy and the princes in the palace were studying, then find ways to have those books bought from outside to help me pass the time.

He himself was largely illiterate and uneducated, so sometimes he would stay with me, listening to me read aloud.

It was the late autumn of the twenty-third year of Jingzhao, and it rained heavily one night.

I knew Pei Yunchuan hadn’t taken an umbrella again. Initially, I just wrapped myself in the quilt and pretended to sleep, but listening to the sound of the autumn rain outside, I couldn’t fall asleep no matter what. Eventually, I sat up and pushed open the window.

Looking at the torrential rain outside, the ginkgo leaves scattered across the ground by the storm, and the palace lanterns flickering in the rain, I suddenly became lost in thought.

I had taken his years of protection for granted, yet on such a rainy night, I inexplicably feared he would be cold. I wanted to bring him an umbrella.

The Cold Palace was always quiet. The palace paths were empty in the middle of the night. I carried an umbrella to the duty room and saw that the light inside was still on. Voices drifted through the sound of the rain, and I vaguely realized that Pei Yunchuan was resting in the duty room.

There was someone else in the room. Because of my identity, I usually didn’t want to appear before others.

But I didn’t leave. As if possessed, I walked onto the porch and saw everything inside through the half-open window.

Pei Yunchuan had just turned twenty that year. Perhaps because he had undergone castration at a young age, he was slender and tall. He was quite handsome, with red lips, white teeth, and a certain vivid brilliance in his beautiful eyes.

If one were to cut out that silver tongue of his and let him stand there quietly, he would certainly be a beauty.

Many palace maids had sought out Pei Yunchuan for a companionate pairing, but since his heart was set on serving me, he naturally never agreed.

However, with looks like his, how could he not be targeted?

His life had improved significantly in recent years, and He Qian, the eunuch in charge of the Cold Palace, hadn’t made things difficult for him with his usual sarcasm.

Some eunuchs in the palace didn’t care about gender and had their own ways of tormenting people; He Qian was one of them.

I saw Pei Yunchuan lying on the couch, while that old eunuch’s voice was shrill, occasionally laced with foul language.

Withered hands, like dry branches, rubbed against Pei Yunchuan’s exposed skin, leaving several pinch marks in a row. Not satisfied, he then throttled Pei Yunchuan’s neck, forcing him to cry out.

Standing by the window, I saw all the unsightly filth.

I thought that witnessing such a thing would make me feel disgusted, but because it was Pei Yunchuan, the memory of every little thing from the past made my heart ache with a sudden, dull pain.

When I was ten, my cold affliction flared up, and I had a high fever for days. It was he who took the risk, dressing me as a eunuch child and holding me as he knelt before He Qian.
Pei Yunchuan was nothing more than a low-ranking servant. He couldn’t even step through the gates of the Imperial Hospital, and with no one else to turn to, he could only beg He Qian.

He used the excuse that I had fallen gravely ill, claiming I was a eunuch child abandoned by the palace whom he had secretly picked up and raised out of loneliness.

He held me in his arms, kowtowing incessantly to He Qian. He struck his forehead against the ground until it was bruised and purple, yet he seemed to feel no pain.

I thought I wouldn’t survive. In my feverish delirium, I still couldn’t understand why he treated me so well. If it were merely for the sake of climbing the ranks, no one in this world would go to such lengths.

I didn’t know why. I only felt that I was going to die, and so, before the end, I released the only bit of pity I possessed toward this eunuch who had protected me for years.

I reached out to touch his battered forehead. My face was deathly pale, my entire body trembling, and my voice was choked with tears as I said, “Pei Yunchuan, stop kowtowing. It hurts.”

Pei Yunchuan didn’t hear me, nor did he care. He simply knelt at He Qian’s feet, begging him to save me.

He Qian was a narrow-minded, selfish old eunuch. He watched Pei Yunchuan with cold eyes. Only when Pei Yunchuan’s forehead began to bleed did he finally reach out with his horsetail whisk to stop him. “Little Chuanzi, you rescued this eunuch child on your own. But look at your status now. You care for her, but can you actually keep her alive?”

“I beg the Ancestor for mercy. If you can save her, I will be your dog, your servant from now on. I will never dare to go against your wishes again.” Pei Yunchuan cared for nothing else; he just knelt before He Qian and wept.

“Back when you first started working for me in the Cold Palace, I gave you chances to climb up. You were the one who refused them, suffering all that hardship for nothing. Now, seeing how pathetic you are, I am willing to show mercy and give you this opportunity.”

He Qian spoke with his shrill, raspy voice. His tone carried a veneer of pity, but it was nauseating.

Pei Yunchuan prostrated himself and kowtowed three more times. “Thank you, Venerable Ancestor.”

At the time, his whole body was shaking and his voice was trembling. I knew he was afraid, but I didn’t know the source of his fear.

Another five years passed like that. Recalling everything from the past, and then looking through the crack in the window at the naked body on the couch and that consistently expressionless face, I finally understood what the “opportunity” He Qian spoke of actually was.

I didn’t know how many times over those five years had been just like tonight.

Pei Yunchuan never spoke of it; he hid it exceptionally well.

For someone who loved to cry and complain about being wronged as much as he did, he had never shed a single tear about this in front of me.

A servant who had long since lost his dignity had, for the sake of a master he recognized and a vague, uncertain future, placed his self-respect beneath another’s feet, allowing it to be crushed and humiliated to their heart’s content.

In truth, it wasn’t exactly a losing bargain.

I had spent these years pretending well in front of Pei Yunchuan-humble, obedient, and occasionally showing my dependence on him.

But on this night, I felt a genuine sense of shock, rage, and panic.

I deliberately knocked against the window to make a sound. The person inside was startled, and He Qian’s mood was ruined.

“Go out and see which death-seeking, filthy servant that is!”

Pei Yunchuan was violently kicked off the couch. I heard a loud thud. The naked man on the floor was already covered in old scars, and from this fall, he was in so much pain that he couldn’t get up for a moment.

When he finally managed to stand, dress himself, and stagger out the door, his eyes met mine as I stood there holding an umbrella. His feigned expression of anger instantly froze.

I didn’t give him any time to think. I grabbed his hand and dragged him away with near-forceful strength.

Neither of us spoke along the way. Pei Yunchuan remained uncharacteristically silent as he let me pull him along, while I didn’t forget to shift the umbrella to cover his side.

It wasn’t until we returned that I looked at him. After he closed the door, he didn’t cry. He just stood there blankly, like a child who had done something wrong.

He lowered his head and said, “Ah Rou, I always bathe after that old eunuch dog touches me. I’m always clean when I see you. Please don’t find me disgusting.”

I thought he would cry and try to explain himself, or use the situation to gain my sympathy.

But Pei Yunchuan did none of that.

There was a hidden rage in my heart, but I didn’t let it out then. I only clenched my fists in secret. Shedding the mask of a humble and gentle girl for once, I asked him in the tone of a superior, “Pei Yunchuan, is doing this worth it?”

He must have been injured by He Qian’s kick earlier. He stumbled forward, seemingly wanting to touch me, but when his fingers brushed the edge of my sleeve, he suddenly let go.

He had served me in secret all these years and thought he understood my temperament, but when I questioned him like that, he still instinctively felt intimidated.

He also knew that crying wouldn’t solve the problem. He could only manage a desolate, bitter smile and say softly, “It’s not about whether it’s worth it.

“Even a dog knows its master. I’ve recognized you as mine since you were so small. Enduring these hardships now is just so I can hope for you to have a better life. Just remember my kindness when you reclaim your status as a Princess in the future.”

Over the years, Pei Yunchuan had maintained what little dignity he had left in front of me, using these filthy deeds to trade for my years of peace and comfort.

Tonight, his facade of respectability had completely shattered before me, but because he viewed himself as my servant, he didn’t mind.

As I listened to this, my original towering rage was enveloped by a massive sense of desolation. I didn’t know what to say; I just suddenly felt that the person before me was incredibly pathetic.

As early as five years ago when he knelt for me, I had begun to pity him, but that pity had gradually changed into something else by now.

I tried to grasp onto something, so when Pei Yunchuan moved toward the side room to bathe, I suddenly grabbed his wrist.

His body gave an imperceptible shudder. He said hurriedly, “Little Ancestor, what are you doing?”

“Pei Yunchuan, I don’t think you’re dirty. Just… don’t do those things with him anymore. I don’t want you to go,” I said to him in a tone that was almost pleading.

Pei Yunchuan couldn’t bear to hear me say such things. After a long silence, he tentatively reached out to ruffle my hair and said with a light chuckle, “Good Ah Rou, if I don’t go, you’ll have to return to those bitter days. Don’t say such things; I’m fine.”

I naturally didn’t believe Pei Yunchuan’s lies.

It was also on that night that I suddenly realized I had developed the intent to kill He Qian.